The One That Got Away
by ksjf2012
Summary: Kendall returns home from war, after 8 years to find Logan moved on. Or has he!
1. Chapter 1

The One That Got Away

_**Used to steal your parents' liquor  
And climb to the roof  
Talk about our future  
Like we had a clue  
Never planned that one day  
I'd be losing you**_

In another life  
I would be your guy  
We'd keep all our promises  
Be us against the world

In another life  
I would make you stay  
So I don't have to say  
You were the one that got away  
The one that got away

"_Please…don't leave me." I saw him swallowed hard and drop his bag to the floor. "I will do anything if you stay right now. Please Kendall." My nose and Cheeks were red and tears were pouring out of my eyes. I moved into him, and he pulled me into his chest. I wrapped tight around his torso and sobbed into his chest._

"_Logan I'm sorry…I can't do that." I sobbed harder and squeezed around him tighter. "I love you so much…but I have to…" I pushed away hard and shook my head._

"_You don't have to do anything Kendall! Except stay here with me. Forever! Like you promised me freshman year!" He reached up and cupped my face. I aggressively pushed his hands down and he sighed and nodded. He picked up his bag and I looked down still crying._

"_I have to go." I turned my head and sobbed out hearing him turn on his heels, and listened to the clink of his boots hit the floor._

I woke up, eyes leaking and sat up quick. I wiped my eyes feign more tears pour out. I squinted hating the sun blaring through the open window. There was a heavy breeze coming through and I could see coming over the mountains, clouds. Dark, stormy clouds. Perfect.

I laid back, trying to catch my breath and get his face out of my head. Every night for the past 8 years all I could see was him. Every time I turned on the TV I heard something heart breaking about the war, and heard more names of solders who died. In my sick twisted mind I knew the day would come where I would hear Kendall Donald Knight but it never happened. And now after 8 years serving as a Navy Seal, he was coming home, for good. I was still on the fence on weather that was a good thing or not.

"Shit baby…did I wake up you." I turned my head and smiled seeing Kevin walk out of the bathroom, tying his tie.

"No…I was…" He sat on the edge of the bed and put the back of his hand on my forehead. I was sweating.

"You were having another dream about him again weren't you?"

"This one was of him leaving." He sighed and wiped the sweat off my forehead and shook his head.

"It's because he's coming home tonight its it?" I closed my eyes and shrugged my shoulders. "You know you don't have to see him. James doesn't own you." I opened my eyes and gave him a death glare. He got up and walked to our shared dresser. "What? He doesn't, and its not his life. If you don't want to see your ex, who by the way left you for the military, then you don't have to see him." I pushed up on my elbows and watched him slip his belt on and then grab a pair of black socks.

"Do you have a new case today?" He nodded and avoided all eye contact. "Do you think it would be healthy to see him?"

"I think whatever you want to do, is great and I'll be there for you 100% of the way." I laid back and started pushing the blankets of my bed. "I just wish your friends liked me." I closed my eyes and groaned.

James and Carlos seemed to have a huge problem with Kevin, mostly because it meant that Kendall and I were actually done seeing each other. I guess for them it was like kids going through a divorce with their parents. They didn't know who's side to be on and I bugged me that they thought they had to choose a side. Most of the time, hence why Kevin was pissed, they chose Kendall's side because he wasn't here to defend himself. I got that…I just wanted everything back to normal.

A cold hand rubbed up from my crotch to my collar bone. I opened my eyes and Kevin bent down and kissed me softly. I held the back of his neck and deepened the kiss. When he pulled away we were both gasping for air. I sat up a little and kissed his forehead.

"Have a good day at work." He smiled and nodded.

"I will. Do you want me to stop by the bar or…"

"Come by the bar. You can meet Kendall." Kevin straightened out and rolled his eyes.

"Oh yay for me." I sighed and he smiled walking out grabbing his coat.

I got dressed slowly and left the house fast, not bothering with breakfast. The drive to the bar was short but cold. I only had on a thin long sleeved shirt and sort of tight jeans because I didn't think the storm was moving this fast. But it was and I was frozen by the time I walked up the stairs and into the bar.

The bar was mine. Well I was co-owner with Carlos. We had this awesome idea for a sports bar that had a small stage and a couple of poll tables. So all the money I didn't use for college (scholarships are amazing) and the money he had saved to just have we bought this little place and turned it into a huge money making bar. I got a master's in business so I handled the finances and marketing while Carlos handled the food, drinks, and entertainment side. We worked well together rarely arguing, because we were making a lot of money. There was nothing to argue about that.

Carlos was standing behind the an old basketball sweater on, with the hood pulled up. He was looking at a few pieces of paper and had his phone pressed to his ear. I sat in front of him at the bar and he looked up smiling.

"That fucking bitch cleared out my bank account. I'm on the phone with the fraud department because they can track where she is and get my money back in two days." I shook my head and rubbed my hands together to warm them.

"What did I tell you about her?" He flipped my off and pushed his hood off. "It's fucking freezing out there."

"It's called winter genius." He grinned and then quickly stopped and stared off into space. "Yes I'm still here! Okay…so what does that mean…right…no she's an ex…I made the mistake of letting her use my credit card once…yes…really?" He nodded and I turned hearing the door open. I watched James walk in holding onto a fairly big box. He set it on the bar next to me and smiled big. "No that's great! Yes that is my insurance company…no thank you sir!" Carlos hung up and put his phone in the front pocket of his sweater. "I'll have my money back in 7 to 10 days!" I smiled and he looked at the box weird. "What's with the box bro?"

"Well…" James reached in and pulled out an old jersey. Number 10. My heart fluttered and I had to look away. "Kendall's mom thought it would be a good idea to have some of his old things here for the party tonight to make him feel at home." Carlos nodded and I swallowed hard. "You still okay with this Loges?" I turned to him and he gestured to the box of stuff.

"I'm fine. I just need a favor. Please for the love of God stop being dicks to Kevin." James chuckled and tossed the hockey jersey back in the box.

"Awe did the poor little baby cry?" I looked down at my hands on my lap and James shifted next to me. "I'm sorry Logan. The guy is a pretentious, egotistical jackass. He is giving the gays a bad name because he little fits into every stereotype. I didn't know that was what you liked."

"That's the problem James. You think you know what I like, and what I want, but you don't. And the last time I checked, Kendall broke up with me, so just get over it and move on like I did. We are never going to be together again." I pushed off the stool and walked to the back where my office was and slammed the door shut.

I sat down in the chair hard and sunk back into it breathing out hard. I hated admitting to myself but James was right about Kevin. He was the a typical gay but I didn't care. I have given the last two years of my life to this man and I had fallen in love with him. Still…

There was that burning sensation running through my body and I quickly stood up and pulled out my wallet. I say back down, scooting closer to my desk and opening my brown leather wallet. I reached in behind my money and everything out and grabbed the old worn out white envelope. I tossed my wallet to the side and carefully turned the envelope around. My name was written on it in a beautiful cursive handwriting that could only belong to Kendall. For a dude he had beautiful handwriting.

I turned it back around and opened it, still very carefully. This was 8 years old and still I could read it.

I remember getting the letter two months after Kendall left for Iraq. It came in another bigger envelope where he wrote my address and the return address. After reading the letter as many times as I did, I seriously debated sending it back, but didn't have that kind of strength.

I gently unfolded the note and set it on my desk. I took a deep breath in and silently read to myself.

"_My dear Logan._

_I really should have paid attention in geography. I had no idea Iraq was so freaking hot! And all of the gear and equipment we carry around doesn't help. I definitely should have done my own homework instead of just copying down your answers. At least I passed._

_I got my first assignment. I can't tell you what it is right now, but someday in the very far future I will. I'll tell you exactly what they do to 18 year old kids fresh out of high school. I'm starting to think college would have been the better choice._

_I know I left with us not on good terms and I'm sorry for that. I never want you to think I chose protecting the country and fighting for our right is more important then you. Nothing is. But this is something I had to do. For myself and I know it's hard to understand because you're right. I did promise you forever and I broke that promise. But I can't go back on it now and even if I could, I don't think I would._

_I don't want you locked up in your room sticking your nose in as many books as you can, shutting everyone out. I want you to go out. Meet new people. Live your life! Go on that stupid roller coaster Carlos is always trying to get you on. Jump without being afraid you'll fall. And most importantly find someone. Don't sit around and wait for me. I want you to be happy Logan and I know the only way you can be happy, is if you move on from me. I know this is really shitty of me to break up over a note that probably won't get to you soon but I need you to know I love you no matter what. Please make yourself happy wand find a guy who won't leave you. If not for yourself, for me. Please Logan._

_I hope you have a great first year of college. Don't let the work stress you out. I know how you get. Tell your parents I said hi and most importantly…I love you. With all of my heart._

_Sincerely Kendall."_


	2. Chapter 2

White Blank Page

_**But tell me now, where was my fault  
In loving you with my whole heart  
Oh, tell me now, where was my fault  
In loving you with my whole heart**_

I smiled warmly at the flight attendant and pilots as I walked off, hat on my head, duffle thrown over my shoulder. The plus of being a U.S Navy Seal is no baggage check. I got to carry all of my bags on board no matter how many or how big. I walked through the gate and just putting one foot on the terminal, I felt like I was home. Finally. I walked quickly down the terminal and took the escalator down wondering who would actually show up to see me. I knew my baby sister, who was not 17 and able to drive was there to pick me up because my mom had to work a late shift at the hospital. I was fine with it just being her.

When is stepped off the escalator, I didn't even have time to look around. My name was being called and when I turned my head I saw my now tall, still skinny, smiling baby sister running towards me. I put my bag down and she jumped in my arms. I hugged around her tight picking her up off the ground. She may have grown but I was still bigger then her. Not by much.

"Oh my God please tell me you did not get all your hair cut off!" I set her down and she tore off my hat. I laughed and she ran her hand over my now shaved head. "You look so different! And your buff!"

"Katie I was in the military what did you expect?" She grinned from ear to ear and bent down trying to pick up my bag. I knew it would be too heavy for her, my entire life was in the bag. Well my entire life from 8 years ago to now. She groaned and tried lifting it. "Nice try." I smoothly lifted it and tossed it over my shoulder like before. I wrapped and arm around her shoulders and let her lead me out.

I got in the passenger seat of her little VW Bug and let her talk my ear off. I was exhausted, but more happy to see her and didn't care if she was rambling. I watched my home town fly by seeing new things, but really only seeing the same little Poe dunk town. When the car finally stopped, in front of the house I literally jumped out and smiled. The house looked exactly the same and it made me feel so safe. And warm.

"A little help please!" I turned and ran over to Katie trying to get my bag out of her trunk. I gain lifted it easily and let her walk me up the path. When the door opened I could smell…pumpkin. And cinnamon. Definitely home now. I was craving my mommas home cooking, especially her apple pie and pumpkin bread.

I put my bag down by the couch and looked around seeing everything exactly the same, except one picture I sent them of me in full uniform. It was hanging proudly on the wall above the fireplace but it made me think of everything I had just left and had an immediate headache.

"So…James is on his way over." I turned slowly and nodded. "Are you hungry? Mom made meatloaf last night. She knew you would probably want some down home comfort food. Do you want a meatloaf sandwich? I can make it for you?" I couldn't help but stare at her. My baby sister, the one who use to plot the taking over the world and talk about how icky boys were, was leaning against the kitchen table. I hated to admit it but she looked like a women and not a girl anymore. I cringed at the thought of her having a boyfriend or being on dates.

"I would love a sandwich baby sister." She rolled her eyes and smiled walking into the kitchen. While she worked in there I picked my bag back up and walked up the stairs, going for my room the door was closed which was odd. I opened it and stepped in slowly. Everything was the same. The exact same from when I left 8 years ago, two months after I graduated high school. Pictures were plastered everywhere of friends, and good times from school. One specifically caught my eye. I threw my bag on my bed and walked to my desk. Sitting on the side in a frame was a picture of me with my arms around Logan. He was sitting between my legs. We were on the football field one night after our football team won state and everyone was partying. We went off by ourselves in the corner and drank a bottle of whiskey by ourselves. I remember that night clearly. It was the night I told him I loved him, and only wanted him forever. In the picture he was looking up at me because I just told him and James came by snapping the picture. It was my favorite.

"James is here! And your sandwich is done!" I swallowed hard and set the frame down. I turned and walked out of my room, hearing the front door open. I took the stairs two at a time and when I got to the bottom James saw me, smiled big and ran to me. He picked me up, much like I had done to Katie and laughed.

"You freaking baldy! Welcome home asshole!" I hugged back and he set me down. He ran a hand over my head and I swatted him away smiling.

"Thanks for the heartfelt welcome James." He laughed and I walked him out to the kitchen table. We sat down, with Katie who handed out soda and sat right next to me.

"I'll make up for the poor welcome tonight. We are getting fucked up!" He hit my arm and I glared at him and then looked at Katie. "Oh I mean…were getting…no I meant were getting fucked up. Your sister is a huge potty mouth bro!" I glanced at her and she smirked sipping her Coke. "So…I mean how was it?" I took a bit avoiding eye contact and shrugged my shoulders. "Sorry…we don't have to talk about it." I looked up grabbing a napkin and wiped my mouth.

"No…it's just…I spent a lot of time by myself in a God damn hole. I shot people and I killed people and I don't feel guilty. I'm glad that I'm home with my very grown up sister and my best friends and my mom. I wish I had something interesting to tell you guys, but I don't." Katie looked down and James leaned forward on the table.

"You don't have to say anything Kendall. And I'm proud to call you my brother. You make me pretty damn proud to be an American." I smiled and nodded my head. "So finish eating and lets go down to the bar." Katie looked at him and frowned.

"Already? I thought we were waiting for mom?" He nodded and took a sip of his coke.

"Bar? What bar?" James made me swallow the rest of my sandwich whole and then pushed my upstairs to change. I dug through my bag, defiantly out grown the clothes hanging in the closet, and found a pair of black jeans. I pulled them on and kept the plain white shirt I had on under my jacket. I pulled on a pair of place and white Vans, and grabbed a black zip up sweater.

Katie climbed in the back of James truck and I got in the passenger side. We drove, no one really saying anything, which made me nervous. If I knew them it had something to do with Logan.

And sure enough we stopped in front of a bar called CL's. I could see a big storm coming in over the mountains and I shivered. I started walking behind James up to the door but Katie stopped us.

"James…he should at least know who's here." James turned to me and sighed shrugging his shoulders. Before he talked, the door burst open and I was tackled to the ground.

"Hey…Carlos." He was on my chest, suffocating me practically. The other two laughed and I hugged around his back. "Good…to see you…too bro. I can't…breath." He jumped up, quick and pulled me up with him.

"Good God your bald!" He rubbed my head the same way the other two had and I pushed him away smiling. "You look like a bad ass!" I smiled and looked down at the ground. "So he's alright with seeing Logan?" I looked up quick and James hit Carlos's shoulder. Katie shook his head at him and Carlos turned to me. "Oh I mean…uh…help me out here guys."

"No look…it's alright. I'm okay with seeing him. I want to see him. Trust me." I gave them a reassuring look and James nodded opening the door for me.

It was a very big place with a stage and a few pool tables. It had Carlos written all over it, not literally but the style was very Carlos. The bar was stacked to the brim of alcohol. There were tables everywhere, and it was really inviting. I turned around, still and looked at Carlos.

"You own this place?" He sighed and shrugged his shoulders.

"Well technically I'm the co-owner…" I stopped and he glanced over my shoulder. I turned quick and almost dropped dead right there.

No matter how many bullets went by my head or how many explosions I saw, felt and heard, none of it could compare to seeing him standing there. He had a black long sleeved shirt on over a pair of jeans. His hair was a little longer then the last time I saw him, but not by much. It looked like he was trying to grow out a beard and looked really good doing it. He also seemed built, with muscles, which was new for Logan. He wasn't wearing his glasses and I was glad. I missed looking in those big brown beautiful eyes.

"Oh wow! Look at the time guys!" I slowly turned and watched Carlos pointing at a watch that wasn't on his wrist. "We have that thing we have to go to…you know…with those people."

"Oh yes. Of course. Let us leave Katie so we can go do that thing with those people." He wrapped around her shoulder and the three of them walked out. I turned back and almost keeled over, watching him walk over to me. When we was a foot away, he reached out, and ran a hand over my shaved head.

"You look so different with no hair." I smiled and reached out, gently running my finger tips over his stubble on his chin and jaw.

"You look different too." It was all I could force out. I didn't know what else to say. We moved our hands off each other and he looked down, over my body.

"God…you look…so different." I laughed and nervously scratched my chin. "8 years has done some good for you." We locked eyes again and he smiled turning away. "I don't know what I was expecting, but you…seem different."

"Being shot at and hated by everyone you walk by can do that to a guy." He turned back to me, smile gone. "You have to know every day I was there, every night I slept alone, hoping and praying a bomb didn't go off by the camp, I was thinking of you." He looked down and shook his head.

"Then why was it so easy for you to leave?" He looked back up, tears in his eyes. "If it was so awful to be away from me, why did you go!?"

"I had to do it for myself Logan." He turned away and started pacing.

"Well I'm really fucking glad you got to find yourself or some shit…while I was here all alone!" Now I was getting angry and defensive.

"You don't think I was alone!?" I raised my voice and he stopped to stare at me. "You don't think the second I stepped on that plane I regretted it, knowing I couldn't change anything?" He walked to me and shoved em hard. I took a few steps back, but quickly regained myself.

"You shouldn't have gone in the first place!" He shouted back and I shook my head. "Don't give me that look Kendall! You don't know what kind of hell I went through!"

"Hell? You want to talk about hell? How about sending out a letter to someone you love more than yourself, and not getting a single piece of mail back from him?! I waited 8 God damn years to hear from you and got nothing! Did you just stop caring about me? Because I told you to find someone else? That didn't mean I didn't love you Logan." He was looking down now, sobbing and i walked to him, grabbing his face making him look up at me. "No one ever told em what was going on with you because they knew it would drive me nuts. You are the only reason I came back Logan. I could have stayed in for the rest of my life, but didn't because I thought maybe…just maybe there was a chance we could go back to what we were, but seeing you now, and hearing how mad at me you are, I know that's never going to happen is it?" He closed his eyes letting the tears fall down and I let him go. I turned and walked to the door.

"I met someone." I froze in place and he sniffled. "I've been with him for two years. Because you asked me to. It took me 6 years to get over you Kendall and I can honestly saw I'm not even close to being over you. But because you asked me to, and because it would have made you feel better, I found someone. And you are absolutely right. There is no chance in hell we will ever get back to what we were."


	3. Chapter 3

**JAR OF HEARTS**

_**No, I can't take one more step towards you  
'Cause all that's waiting is regret  
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore  
You lost the love I loved the most**_

I learned to live half alive  
And now you want me one more time

_**And who do you think you are?  
Runnin' 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Who do you think you are?**_

I wasn't even in my office before the front door slammed shut. It was so loud and hard, I swear the glass should have broken on the door. I slammed my office door the same and slid down it, sobbing out hard. I wasn't crying because I was mad. Well I wasn't mad at him. I was furious with myself. I should be in his arms right now. I should be letting him hold me, and tell me how sorry he was, and how he was never going to leave me again. But something had stopped me. Something inside my head clicked and the happiness I felt for seeing him was taken over by anger and pride. I was way too damn proud to fall apart in front of him. I just couldn't do it.

I heard my name being yelled and footsteps, but the last person I wanted to see was Carlos and especially James.

"Loges…come on…let me in. Talk to me." I put my hands over my eyes and cried in them. "You and Kendall are made for each other." It was quiet and sounded sad but someone hearing Carlos say that, only made me more pissed.

"No were not Carlos! I never want to see him again!" It went dead silent and I quickly pulled out my phone. I dialed Kevin quick, hoping and praying he would answer and come rescue me. Because I really did feel like I was being attacked. The phone rang a few times and he finally answered it.

"Hey babe."

"Can…can you come…come to the bar…please?"

"What happened?" I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I'll kill him. I'm on my way over." I nodded and cried harder. I hung up without saying one more word to him and let my phone fall to the ground. I didn't hear anything else outside the door. I got up and walked to my desk, grabbing a tissue and wiping my face trying to compose myself. I was about to sit down when there was a soft knock on my door.

"Logan…please." It was Kendall. He sounded like ha had been crying too. I don't know if that annoyed me, or made me sad. "I…I am sorry I left you. I'm sorry I broke my promises. I never thought the things I did would mean I would lose you. I can't live without you Logan." I slowly walked to the door and put one hand on the wood. It was taking every ounce of strength, which wasn't that much, to not opened the door and throw myself in his arms. There was a soft pound on the door and if I had to assume it was his forehead hitting the wood. "Please…please Logan."

"I wont let you break my heart again Kendall."

"I promise you I wont." I chuckled and he sighed. "I know…I broke the last promises but…"

"No Kendall. You can't ever have my heart again. I am too strong now. You don't get to play with my emotions and then leave ever again. I'm sorry. It can't happen." It went sickly quiet and somewhere in the back of my head a little voice popped up and said to hold him. I heard the floorboard creak outside my door and sighed. "Why…why don't we try, friends?" It was still silent and I was seconds away from taking all my words back and taking him back.

"I would rather have you in my life as a friend, then nothing at all." It was quiet and I could hear the sadness in his voice, but it was laced with a little happiness. I slowly unlocked the door and pulled it open.

He was leaning on it, and pushed away quick, before he fell forward. We locked eyes and he forced a smile. I smiled back and wiped my eyes.

"Sorry I yelled at you." He laughed and moved in slowly, hugging me. I let his musky scent fill my nose and I put the side of my face on his shoulder. His arms wrapped around me and I closed my eyes. I only put my hands on his sides and eh sighed out slowly rubbing my back. "Sorry I made you cry." I laughed and moved my hands to his back and gently hugged around him.

"I'm glad your home Kendall."

"Me too Loges." I seemed to tighten my grip on him when he said my nickname that I've had forever.

"I'm glad your okay, and that you weren't hurt. I would have had a few choice words with Mr. Commander in Chief, if something had happened to you."

"Really? You would have gone up against the leader of the free nation?" I nodded and he shucked, still rubbing my back.

"Logan?" I pulled away form Kendall fast and looked behind him. I forgot I had called Kevin, and he was now standing feet away, mouth open, a little sweaty and out of breath. "Are…are you alright?" I moved over to him quickly and kissed his cheek.

"Yes. I'm so sorry I called you at work. I'm okay really." He glanced over my shoulder and I kicked myself for making them meet. "Uhm Kevin…this is Kendall. Kendall this is my boyfriend Kevin." I moved out of the way and Kendall was the first to move.

I almost burst out laughing. I remembered what James said early. Kevin really didn't look like my type, especially next to Kendall. Kendall towered over him. He was at least two heads taller and I could see in Kevin's eyes, he was a little intimidated. Kendall had also gotten very buff and beside looking drop dead gorgeous, he looked intimidating. SO it was no wonder when Kendall extended his hand to shake Kevin's, Kevin was reluctant.

"Nice to finally meet you Kendall. I've heard so much about you." Kevin shook his hand quick, and Kendall smiled looking over at me. I smiled and quickly grabbed my boyfriends hand.

"You too." It was all Kendall could say through the smile that was glued to his face. It went awkwardly quiet for a minute and I didn't know how to make it go away.

We all turned when James and Carlos sauntered in acting like they weren't listening or watching from behind the corner.

"Hey guys. What's up?" I rolled my eyes at Carlos who smiled big and stood next to Kendall.

"Hey Kevin." James said and gave me a smirk. Like he knew I knew he was purposely being a jackass.

"Hey guys. I'm sorry this is cut short, but I really have to get back to work." I turned to him and smiled as he leaned into my ear and kissed it before whispering. "I love you and if I had known Kendall was so freaking big, I wouldn't have come here ready for a fight." I laughed and he pulled away, giving everyone a friendly smile and turned, walking out. I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore and turned slowly back to the other three. Kendall had his eyes glued to me, still smiling while the other two got in between us.

"So…are you guys okay?" Kendall turned to Carlos and nodded his head. He extended his hand an di looked down confused.

"We're better then okay. We're friends." I smiled and pushed his hand away giving him another hug, this time holding him tight. He laughed and wrapped around me.

"Thank God. I don't ever want to see or hear you guys fight like that again." I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I realized hugging him, even just being next to him, would be the only chance of really, really being with Kendall, so I was going to take all of him as much as I could.

"Dude!" I heard a punch and Carlos groaned. "They weren't supposed ot know we were listening!" Kendall laughed and let one of his hands rest on the back of my head.

"Come help me take inventory so we can go get ready for the party you dick." I heard more laughter and footsteps until they were back in the front of the bar far away from us.

"So?" I opened my eyes and he laughed.

"So what Loges?"

"So…do you like him? I mean…in the little time you met him…what did you think?" He sighed and with his fingertips gently traced up and down my back.

"He seemed a little put off by me."

"He wasn't expecting you to be so big." He again laughed and I shook my head digging in deeper into his body.

"Well…he seems nice. He looks a little stuck up, but if he treats you right…I guess I have nothing to complain about." I slowly nodded and he sighed. "Will he be here tonight?" I pushed away from him and he shook his head. "I just want to sit down and get to know him. Calm down." My cheeks flushed red and I looked down.

"Yes he is." I looked up to see a protest or anything but he just gave a small smile.

"Well good." I smiled back and he sighed looking at his watch. "I promised my mom id see her at work. I'll see you tonight." I nodded and he gave me a quick hug before walking down the hall and out of my reach.

_**I hear you're asking all around  
If I am anywhere to be found  
But I have grown too strong  
To ever fall back in your arms**_

_**Dear, It took so long just to feel alright  
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes  
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed  
'Cause you broke all your promises  
And now you're back  
You don't get to get me back**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Someone Like You**

_**I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited  
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.  
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded  
That for me it isn't over.**_

Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
I wish nothing but the best for you too  
Don't forget me, I beg  
I remember you said,  
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,  
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "

"I told everyone at work you were coming back and how proud I was…Kendall I am so glad your home." I smiled warmly over at her and hated how tired she looked. Her eyes showed it the most. She was just exhausted, and half of the reason for that was because of how worried she was about me. Awesome feeling. "I know you told me you had to go to the doctor before you came home…in New York right?" I nodded and poked at my chicken salad. Hospital food always tried to be healthy, but it never looked it. The chicken was dry and the lettuce looked wilted. I looked back up at my mom and she was sipping form her coffee, looking over at me from the small table we were sitting at. "Anything I need to know about?" I sighed and sat back, my appetite lost.

"Well I have to have another checkup. There is no serious damage now, but they want to check for signs of PTSD." She put her coffee cup down and leaned forward on the table. "I doubt I do. I feel fine."

"Sweetie you may feel fine but…" I put my head down and shook my head. She stopped talking and softly sighed. "Your doctor will tell you what to look out for. Being diagnosed won't make you less of a man Kendall." I looked up and she smiled. "I've seen a lot of veterans coming in, most all of them say, the fear everyone around them that love them, won't want them anymore because they're not real men. I know Kendall; it must be tough because of Logan…"

"Mom I don't want to talk about him or any of it." She looked down and I shook my head. "I need some air, I'll see you later." As I pushed away from the table and walked away without saying another word to my mother, I knew it was a lie. I wasn't going to see her. I was going to find myself a hole, and stay there forever, not seeing anyone or saying anything to anyone.

It wasn't exactly a hole, but when I left the hospital, ignoring the texts from James and Katie asking if I needed a ride, I wandered around town for quite some time. Until I found a bridge that I always walked over, after school, walking Logan home. In fact it was the same bridge where we first kissed. Yeah this would do for now. I had a flask, full of tequila one of my bunk mates gave me before we left. When I was stopped in New York I filled it with some Jose and thought now was the perfect time to break it out.

While I slipped it, my legs dangling off the edge like I had done some many times before with Logan, all I could think about was Logan. His boyfriend was a douche with a capital bag. He didn't deserve Logan. No one, but me deserved him. No one but me needed him. It was bad enough to have been gone for 8 years of his life to miss him grow up, miss all of his laughs, miss every single touch and kiss, but to now see him with another guy was literally heart breaking.

With half the flask empty and the sun now officially down, I knew it wouldn't be long before my mom sent out a search party to find me, but I didn't care. Let everyone worry about me. I knew one person who wouldn't and that was why I didn't care. He was probably sitting at the stupid bar, with his stupid boyfriend, stupidly making out. I'm not bitter, I just don't like what Logan was doing with his life.

With only Logan running through my mind, I was starting to feel sick, and angry. How could I only be friends with him? I lay back on the wooden bridge and rubbed my eyes, tired and cold. And if it wasn't enough for God to make me deal with all of the shit I was dealing with, he decided to make snow fall. Yeah, I don't need to be happy or anything. I like being miserable.

"Fuck you God!" I yelled it, not caring if anyone heard or if anyone even cared. I felt the tears fall out of the corners of my eyes, or maybe that was just the snow. Maybe if I just caught my death, died frozen to the this stupid bridge, everything would be alright. Logan wouldn't cry anymore because of me. Logan wouldn't even have to deal with me. He wouldn't have to pity me, with just being "friends". Yeah that was the plan. Just die alone…

"Kendall?" I shot up quick and turned to the right seeing Logan walking towards me, a hood on his head hands in his pockets. "Jesus Christ…" He sounded disappointed, which made me upset.

"Hey Logieee!" I waved my flask at him and he shook his head yanking it from my hands, and dumping the rest of the Jose out over the bridge. "Now that's not very friendly…friend." I gave him a mean smile and he sighed sitting down next to me. "What are you doing here?"

"Well…" He pulled off his jacket, which looked too big for him, and put it around my shoulders. He zipped up his sweater and shivered. "We were having a party for you, but you never showed up. Your mom was worried and sent me and James out looking for you. I found you, so this is what I'm doing here. Now, what are you doing here?" I laughed and turned away from him looking out at the dark abyss in front of us.

"Just getting some air…not being around people. The usual." H sighed and I looked over and watched him, look at my flask. "I got that as a parting gift from a friend. Because that's what friends do." He looked over and my head was pounding. "So now that were friends now…do I get a gift from you?" He chuckled and looked up and out at the little stream running underneath the bridge.

"What kind of gift would you like Ken?" I remained staring at him until he sighed and turned to me. All of the muscles in my arms were working without my permission and before I could stop myself I was holding the sides of his face, and pressing my lips into his for a drunken, sloppy kiss. His hands went to my chest and started pushing. But not very hard. I gave a small bite to his bottom lip and just like that his mouth was open. My tongue quickly darted in and around his mouth. I heard the small groan escape his throat and if that was enough for him, he had pushed harder and we were separated. "Kendall!" He jumped up quick, running into the railing behind us on the other side of the bridge. I squeezed my eyes shut and put my head in my hands. I could hear him panting behind me and I felt like breaking down completely. "You're drunk."

"Is that what you'll tell Kevin?"

"He'll understand."

"And what…try to kick my ass again?"

"God damn-it Kendall your such a dick! Just stay out here all night then! I could care less if you catch pneumonia! Jesus…" I heard his boots hit the wood and turned quick to see him in fact walking back to his car.

The snow was falling fast and hard now, and even though I was probably freezing my ass off, the warmth from the tequila and Logan's small cute mouth was rushing through my entire body. I watched him get in his car, and turn it on. But he didn't move. I laughed, knowing he was full of shit from the very beginning. I put my arms finally into the holes of the jacket Logan gave me and zipped it up quick. I was overwhelmed by the scent, hypnotized even. I was lost in the smell and knew it could only belong to one person. My Logan.

I heard a car door slam and mumbling. I turned and watched him walk quickly over to me. I turned away again.

"Get up Kendall."

"I thought you didn't care."

"You know I'm a horrible liar and your mom scars me. If I left you out here she would kill me. I like living."

"Well I guess what's the difference between me and you Loges."

"Kendall stop it!" I looked up at him and he shoved his hood off and breathed hard. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself! I don't like hearing you talk like that! And I wont hear it anymore! Get in my car before you catch a horrible cold! Now!"

I was taken back mostly because Logan has never yelled at me. Except at the airport when I was leaving. I slowly pushed myself up, and he moved out of the way pointing to his car. I waked quickly…avoiding as much eye contact as I could. He was right behind me, and opened the passenger door quick. I got in and he slammed the door. He walked to his side and got in just as fast.

"I…I don't want to go to that party." He put his car in reverse and looked in his rearview mirror.

"Whatever Kendall. I'll take you home." I put my head on the cold glass, which seemed to really help my headache. I closed my eyes hugging around the jacket. It was the only thing I would have of Logan, ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thinking Of You**

_**Comparisons are easily done  
Once you've had a taste of perfection  
Like an apple hanging from a tree  
I picked the ripest one  
I still got the seed**_

You said move on  
Where do I go  
I guess second best  
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes

It wasn't the same, and it will never be the same. Every touch, every look, every kiss, especially every thrust…can never add up to Kendall. Especially since the drunken kiss on the bridge…THE BRIDGE where he kissed me the first time in 8th grade it brought back every feeling, memory, and happiness I had ever felt for that man. It made me wish I wasn't so stubborn. It made me wish I had enough sense to realize maybe I needed Kendall more then he needed me.

It's been a week since he's been home and the only time I saw him was at the bar, and at the bridge. Form what Carlos told me, Kendall hasn't left his room. His mom and sister keep taking shifts to watch him and although no one is saying it, their all worried about PTSD, and locking yourself in your room is a sure sign. His mom should know that so I'm not too worried. I think.

Kevin is a really good guy. He treats me right, makes sure I'm okay, but he's not Kendall, and that's the part that is really upsetting me. More than it should. I've had this debate before. Kendall told me to find someone. I did. Now that he's back doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything and kiss the fucking ground he walks on. Okay maybe that's a lie. I would do anything for that man. But I couldn't because he hurt me, in the worst possible way, right?

I mean sure, he didn't cheat. And he didn't like beat em or anything. So was what he did forgivable? Have James and Carlos been right this whole God damn time? Have I been this stupid?

"Babe?" I snapped out of my thoughts and turned my head to the left to see Kevin sitting against the headboard like me, He had a book open in his lap, eyes glued to my face. "Something's bothering you."

"No." I smiled and shook my head turning back to the TV like I had been watching it this whole time. Yeah Bones never gets boring. At all.

"Okay so let's pretend I actually believe you. You won't mind me asking how Kendall is then right?" I turned to him quick and he smirked.

"Well played." He laughed and tossed his book to the end of the bed and snuggled deep into my body. I wrapped and arm around him.

"Is he okay, seriously?"

"Is this you being genually concerned or do you just like fucking with my head?"

"I resent that. You make it seem like I do that all the time." I laughed and he looked up, one eyebrow raised.

"He's been at home, in his room for the past week, not seeing anyone, or doing anything. His mom has to force a forkful of food down his throat everyday just to make sure he eats. Katie, his little sister the one who helps out at the bar sometimes…she told me today he's screaming and crying in his sleep."

"Because of you?" His voice was filled with humor and a little bit of ice. I pushed him away and he sighed shaking his head. "Oh I'm sorry big tough Navy Seal can shoot a bunch of innocent people, but can't handle rejection?"

"Okay…wow first of all…I never knew you had this antiwar side of you." He rolled his eyes and it was only pissing me off more. "Second, you don't know what he went through so you can't judge him. And third…I didn't reject him. I told him I'd still be his friend. That probably hurts worse."

"So now…he has everyone worried about him…for whatever dumb ass reason and you're going to buy it?" I stared at him, not sure where this side of Kevin even came from and pushed the blanket off my legs. I jumped out of the bed and walked to the closet. "What are you doing?" I ignored him and pulled on a pair of jeans. "Logan?"

"I'm going to make sure he's okay."

"Unbelievable!" I turned and he got off the bed slowly walking to me. "Just like at the bridge he's going to wrap you around his fucking finger, reel you in and try to kiss you again! And you'll let him, because your weak when it comes to him! He's like your fucking…I don't know…obsession! It's unhealthy Logan!" I turned back into the closet and grabbed a random sweater, pulling it over my plain white shirt. "If you go I am left to assume something more will happen." I slipped a pair of random boots on not bothering to tie them, just wishing the front door was closer. Kevin and I have never really gotten in a fight before, and he knew Kendall was a sensitive subject but went there anyway. I furiously wiped my eyes with my back turned to him. He was not going to see me cry. "You're really going?" I turned grabbing my wallet and keys, leaving my phone, and walking out past him.

He let em walk out of the house, not saying another word. Once I was in the safety of my car, I broke down. He was right about everything and a huge part…well okay all of me…didn't care. I needed him more then I needed air right now. I don't think I had ever driven this fast.

When I stopped in front of the house I was grateful to see the lights still on. Mrs. Knight usually worked nights which meant Katie had the house to herself. I got out, almost slipping on the ice as I walked up to the front door, and banged three times, hard. I caught my breath and felt the tears still running down my face, freezing to my cheek. I could hear movement and as I raised my hand to knock again It opened and I was hit with warmth and light. Again my breath was lost.

Kendall answered, Katie behind him nervous. I guess i shouldn't have been so rough with the knock. It must have scared the hell out of her. But I kind of didn't care. Kendall was shirtless, and the military really did him good. He was ripped. Like James ripped, but not as big. His tattoos had never looked sexier and all I could think of was running my hands all over his body. But I let my eyes wander to the low hanging sweat pants, that showed his perfect "v" not leaving too much to the imagination. He looked so good I could probably eat him.

"Logan? Jesus Christ what was with the banging?" He was smiling. Probably trying to hide the fact that he has been a total wreck. I could see his eyes, blood shot, and puffy, and it made my emotions take over. I walked in the house, without saying a word stood up on my tippy toes and without touching his body, kissed his lips. Softly like I have been wanting to do for so very long. At first he did nothing. And then his hands were on my face and holding the back of my head, pushing and pressing into me, needing more. I gave him more. I kissed back harder, forcing my tongue in his mouth. I heard footsteps and knew Katie had left but none of it mattered. I only pulled away, seconds later just because I had to see his face. I brought my hands up to his face and held him. His eyes were wide and full of love but were leaking profusiouly.

"Please don't cry. I'm not…I'm not going anywhere Kendall. I love you and I want to be with you. For the rest of my life. I don't care if you want to leave em again, I won't let you." He closed his eyes, letting the tears fall freely and cried out. I did my best to pull him down to cry on my shoulder, but it was to short fro him. So he instead pushed me into his chest, and wrapped around me, crying on my head. My face was pressed into his skin, which was cold, and had Goosebumps all over it. I loved the feeling.

We stood just like that, neither of us moving for a while. Until there was a sigh and we pulled apart seeing Katie putting her hood on.

"I'm really happy for you big brother but you didn't start this fire for me for nothing." Kendall quickly shut the door and she sighed sitting back on the floor in front of the fire with a bowl of popcorn. "Now be quite and let em finish this movie." I smiled, feeling my cheeks get hot and before I knew it, I was being pulled up the stairs. When we made it to his room, I stopped in the door way.

"Oh…yeah…I uhm…" I looked at him but then back at the room. Everything, and I do mean everything that used to be everywhere was gone. His dark blue walls were now empty small holes where he had hung pictures, were the only things seen. He had boxes packed to the top full of pictures, some of which were of me, and had been ripped. That stung, but I deserved it. "Here." He moved to the boxes and picked up two putting them in his closet. He took two more and while he had his back turned, I walked to one, and lifted up a broken frame. I remembered this picture well. It hurt more seeing it smashed like this. "I really didn't know what else to do…so I listened to some Taylor Swift, who by the way is really annoying, but gave some sound advice, which at the time I thought was a good idea."

"You didn't burn them." I looked up at him and he cocked his head to the side. I Laughed and put the frame back in the box, lifting it up and handing it to him. "Her song is picture to burn. Trust me, I know my Taylor Swift, and I'm appalled you find her annoying." He laughed and put the box down in his closet it and shut it quick. When he turned back to me I smiled and he smiled back.

"You know…you have no excuse for kissing me. You're not drunk." I laughed, pushed my feet out of my shoes and walked over to his bed. I flopped down and laid on my back looking up at the ceiling and running my hands through my hair.

"No you're right. I'm not drunk. Just kind of insanely in love with you." I didn't hear him walk, just felt him get on the bed and slightly push my legs apart before laying on top of me, putting his head on my chest. I moved my hands from my head and placed them on his.

"What about Kevin?" It was barely a whisper and came two minutes after I told him I love him.

"What about him? I…I don't want him Kendall. I want you. No I need you. I need you so bad, that for the past week, I've been pulling my hair out, trying to get myself to just get over it and be with you. And I finally did. SO fuck Kevin."

"Not my type." I gently pulled his hair and he chuckled. "I can't believe he's your type." I again pulled his hair and he sat up quick, attacking my lips with his own. One of his hands, after a few minutes of making out, moved to my stomach and trailed down palming at my crotch. I pulled away, a little out of breath and let him suck on my neck. When his hand started pulling on my zipper, I pushed him off quick, and looked up at him shaking my head.

"I guess confession time…I…you're the only person I've been with…and that was 8 years ago," He smiled and pushed up, before falling back down next to me. "It's not that i don't want to…please believe I do. I just want this…us…to go slow."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me Logan. It's alright. I've only been with you too, Not too much time for gay sex in the Navy." I chuckled and pushed into him, wrapping one around his rib cage while the other hand held under his chin. He let me put my head on his arm, while the other rested on my hip. "It can be like…when we first started dating. Back in freshman year."

**SO QUICK QUESTION…DOES EVERYBODY LIKE THE LYRICS AT THE BEGINNING? DO THEY MAKE SENSE WITH EACH POV? AND IF SO, DO YOU LIKE ME NOT PUTTING THE ARTIST NAME OR SHOULD I…I DON'T WANT ANYOEN TO THINK IM STEALIGN THE WORDS OR ANYTHING…JUST LET ME KNOW. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Awake**

_**I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,  
But I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,  
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.**_

And if it's a hero you want,  
I can save you. Just stay here.  
Your whispers are priceless.  
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.

_**-**_**Secondhand Serenade**

I don't mind not sleeping. Especially with him next to me. Usually if I couldn't sleep it would be because of nightmares, or the loud pounding in my head. But now, it's like everything was really okay. Like, for once in my life, everything was clear, and everything was right. He had that power. He made me feel safe, which was new for me, usually it was me making him feel safe. And I promised him, minutes before he fell asleep in my arms that it would be like freshman year all over again.

Freshman year was hard. Especially for him. He was kind of a nerd. I mean…okay he was a big nerd. He knew the answers to everything and was taking senior classes freshman year. James, Carlos and myself were like his body guards, and he was grateful. At least he learned to be grateful. To me, Logan's always been a precious delicate flower. And in my eyes, he was the only one, and whenever that flower would be threatened, by careless feet, hard rain or snow, or even natures cruel twisted ways, I was there to stand guard and protect. Sometimes I couldn't be there though. And neither could James and Carlos. But that only happened once. In Freshman year.

"_I swear this girl was all over my dick!" I rolled my eyes as we walked out of the locker room. James was running a hand through his still wet hair while Carlos was trying not to trip. I stood in the middle and only had one destination. Logan's locker. My mom was going to pick the four of us up so they could stay over for the weekend and have a movie fest. So practice I made go by fast by making everyone on the team work harder and give it their all. Which I probably why Carlos was having a hard time walking. Poor kid got his ass kicked as the goalie. _

"_James…if I didn't know you I'd think you're lying, but unfortunately I do know you, and I know perfectly well she was in fact all over your dick. Now drop it. Your going to make Carlos pass out from jealousy."_

"_No I'm going to pass out from the amount of pain running through my body! You had to work us so hard far what…Captain?" I grinned down at him and he shoved me into James. James sighed, annoyed by our behavior and opened the door for us to go into the school, to get Loan before finding my mom._

_The hallway was empty. Especially the end, which was where Logan and Carlos's locker where. I stopped in front of Logan's locker and we all locked around._

"_Where is he? His tutor session should have been out by now…" I turned to James who was looking at his watch. It was true. Our practice went from 3 to 4:30. His tutor session got done at 4._

"_Maybe he went to the rink?" Carlos sounded tired and not too worried. For some reason, I was very worried. This wasn't like Logan. If he said he would be somewhere at a certain time, he was. I sighed and looked up and down the hallway again and tried saying something, but I heard a small whimper. James perked up like a dog while Carlos looked confused. I dropped my backpack to the ground and walked to the sound, which was coming from the men's room. I walked in, James and Carlos right on my tail. In the corner was a small bundle slightly heaving. A few feet away from him, were smashed and broken glasses. I could recognize those anywhere._

"_Logan?" The sobs came out harder and louder but still didn't turn around. I walked to him, got behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder he jumped away from the contact and I quickly turned him. My heart snapped. "James…Carlos…call my mom." I heard movement behind me and Logan closed his eyes and pushed into my chest clutching my jacket. I wrapped around him. "What happened? Who did this to you?"_

"_Some juniors…I'm the target for everyone I guess. Gay and proud of it, and a stupid nerd."_

"_Isn't that a contradiction?" He pushed away and I smiled down at him, wiping the blood away from his nose._

"_You remembered your word a day calendar I got you." I laughed and nodded and he looked down wiping his eyes. "I'm okay. They just took off my glasses, broke them, and then punched my nose. They also said some horrible names, which I wont repeat. My parents are going to be pissed."_

"_I have some money saved up you can have for new glasses." He looked up at em, smiled and cupped my face._

"_Save your money Kendall. For a gift for me." I laughed and Carlos came next to us handing Logan his broken glasses._

"_Who were they. I'm going to kill them." Logan shook his head, giving him a dirty look and I helped him stand up. "Seriously. James, Kendall and I will kick their asses." Logan shook his head and walked to the sink. He quickly washed his face and examined his nose in the mirror._

"_Your mom's coming in. " I nodded to James but turned my gaze back to Logan. He was looking at his nose still, and in this moment I knew the one true thing I was meant to do on this planet. Love, protect and be there for him, and only him."_

I opened my eyes feeling something moving next to me. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep. I saw the back of Logan's head and he groaned as he reached for my phone on the side table. He dialed a number quickly and sighed putting his head back on the pillow.

"Kevin…" I closed my eyes thinking that would stop me from hearing him. "Yes I'm with him…yes…yes I do love him, and I know you thinks it's crazy or insane but…are you drunk? Please stop Kevin…no I do care about you but…he's my first for everything and I cant let him go…you can call em whatever you want…and do whatever you want but I'm going to stay with him…why did I call? To tell you I was done pretending to love you, even though I knew it wasn't true…well when your sober maybe you can be an adult about this. Okay bye Kevin." I opened my eyes and watched him toss my phone on the table again. He sighed, turned his body faced me and grinned small. "Eavesdropper." I smiled and he pushed back into me wrapping around me.

"Why'd you call him?"

"Well I woke up…I forgot how much you kick in your sleep." I blushed but laughed. "So your kicking woke me up, I looked at your watch, saw how freaking late it was a felt like I had to call him. To let him know what was going on, you know?" I nodded and he sighed. "I should have waited to see him though. I'm not going to be surprised if all of my stuff is out in the snow tomorrow…or well later today." I sighed and he kissed my bare chest. "I forgot how freaking warm you are. I missed this Kendall." I bite my lip an squeezed around him.

"So…your staying?" He pushed up and raised an eyebrow. He sat on his knees and pushed me onto my back. Quickly he straddled my waist.

"Why would I leave?" I shrugged my shoulders and he shook his head. "Well you sir are silly." He bent down laying his head on my chest, which tickled because of his beard. "Why is your heart beating so fast?" I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

It felt like a panic attack. My palms were sweaty, I could feel my body beginning to shake. My mouth and throat was dry. I couldn't move any bones in my body. My heart was in fact beating out of control. It was freaking me out. What could be causing this?

"Kendall? What's wrong?" I opened my eyes and saw Logan looking down at me worried. One of his cold soft hands were on my face, while the other was on my chest, above my heart. "Kendall?" I sighed out hard and shook my head. "Are you alright?" I nodded and reached furiously for the light. When it came on not only did the light surround the entire room, it illuminated how beautiful Logan really is. I grabbed his hips and pulled myself up. "What happened?"

"I think…I think I had a small panic attack." Both of his hands went on my shoulders.

"Why?" I shook my head and put my face in his neck.

"I don't know…I was thinking about you and then heard you talking to Kevin and…my heart…just went crazy." I caught his gaze and he smiled pushing his hands up my neck, the sides of my face and over my head. He pulled my head to his lips and kissed the top.

"Kendall…I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you. We're going to be together, forever. Please don't think different." I nodded and he placed small pecks all over my head. "I am absolutely loving your shaved head right now." I laughed and pulled us back down onto the bed. He quickly moved to the side but still clung to my body.

As his soft slow breathing started humming me back to the dream world I thought of the many sheets of paper I was given before I left New York. All them from the doctor I saw. Most of them talked about only one thing that I continued to tell myself I would not ever be diagnosed with. That showed weakness and failure. Things I am not.


	7. Chapter 7

**Save You**

**Take a breath  
I pull myself together  
Just another step till I reach the door  
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you  
I wish that I could tell you something  
To take it all away**

Sometimes I wish I could save you  
And there're so many things that I want you to know  
I won't give up till it's over  
If it takes you forever I want you to know

**-Simple Plan**

It's a beautiful thing really, to see someone you love so much, who fights his demons, in his head, finally look at rest and so peaceful. There is no way I could ruin that. I'm not a ninja or anything, but I did manage to climb out of his bed without waking him, or even letting him know I had left. It was cold in the room, and it was snowing. Again. Fucking Minnesota. I looked around the room and saw the sweater I had worn over, but for some reason, that didn't look warm enough. I saw Kendall's green duffle on the ground by his desk and walked slowly over ot it. I only had on a plain white shirt and just the thought of wearing something of his warmed me up easily. I pulled out black fabric and unfolded it to see a plain black hooded sweater. I quickly pulled it on and had to laugh out loud. It was way too big, but I didn't care.

I walked out of his room, shutting the door behind me, and heard music playing down stairs. I walked down, yawning and rubbing my eyes and smiled seeing Katie and Mrs. Knight in the kitchen. Katie was sitting on the counter, legs swinging lazily, while she watched her mom make a very big breakfast. Mrs. Knight was in her scrubs still and looked tired but very amused at the same time. She didn't even look up from the stove, and Katie didn't say a word but they both knew I was there.

"You know Mitchell…I never thought I would ever…and I mean ever be happy to see my sons boyfriend walk downstairs after a long night." I blushed and walked into them. Katie groaned and rolled her eyes.

"Mom we don't even know if their together." They both turned their heads to me and I laughed.

"I think it's safe to say we are." Katie smiled wide and Mrs. Knight came towards em and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I have only ever seen my son happy in your presence. Thank you Logan." I hugged her back and sighed.

"Mrs. Knight…I love him. I'm not going to be without him again." I felt a kiss to my cheek and she pulled away but kept her hands on my shoulders.

"How many times do I have to tell you…its either mom or Jennifer. I don't like Mrs. Knight." I laughed and nodded. "Are you hungry?"

"Starved." She laughed and turned back to the stove. "Should I go wake up Kendall?"

"Let him sleep for a while." I nodded but felt a weird tug at my stomach, like what happened last night needed to be discussed. Mostly with his mother. I walked over to her, picking up the spatula for the eggs and moved them around the pan.

"Can I ask you a question Jennifer?" She smiled tiredly and I sighed. "How do they treat PTSD?" She turned quick and closed her eyes. "He's showing signs. And I think…just from last night it's bad…he had a panic attack because I had to call Kevin and tell him I was with Kendall. I mean…his heart started racing, his face looked in so much pain. I want to help him. I need to help him." She breathed out hard and opened her eyes.

"He needs to see a doctor. The doctor can diagnose it and then prescribe medicine."

"Happy pills?" She caught my eye and I knew she knew why that would upset me. "And what if those don't work, only make him worse?"

"Then we try everything to make him better Logan. Kendall is stubborn and very strong. He won't just sit back and let us do as we please. He's going to have to want to do this for himself." I looked down at the eggs and she turned all the burners off. "Katie come get some breakfast." I moved out of the way and leaned against the counter. Jennifer and Katie helped themselves with putting things on their plates. When Jennifer turned to me, I could see she was fighting back the tears. "I think I'd like to eat alone." And like that she was gone, up the stairs and closed herself in her room. Katie sighed and walked to the table sitting down. I helped myself to the food and sat across form her. We sat in silence, not talking, only letting our forks scrap the plates. When I finished, faster than Katie, I sat back and tried to make myself feel better, but I felt pain and sadness thinking about Kendall.

"What is PTSD?" I looked over at Katie and she looked a little worried. I smiled and leaned forward on the table.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most people, like in your brother's case, get it from an event in their life, like going to war. It's an anxiety disorder and most of the times it's caused by threat of being harmed, or even being harmed." She nodded and poked at her eggs.

"So he was almost killed?"

"I…I don't know. He hasn't said anything to me about it. I just know the signs, and he's got all of them. The being alone all the time, the barely eating, the panic attacks. He really needs to see his doctor." Again she nodded and I sighed not wanting to really have this conversation with his 17 year old sister. I let her finish eating and volunteered to do dishes. She went out into the living room, and turned ont eh TV. It was Saturday so she had no school.

Two plates into my dish washing I heard stairs creak and turned to see Kendall walking down, changed into a pair of dark blue jeans and a plain black shirt. He high fived his sister and I turned back to my work. I heard him come in, his bare feet hitting the hard wood floor.

"Where's my mom?" His hands went on my waist and he whispered in my ear, nipping at it. I smiled and turned my head to catch his lisp with mine. He smelled amazing and was still slightly wet from his shower. Our kiss didn't last long, because I managed to splash water all over myself. I turned quick and he laughed kissing around my neck.

"Your mom was tired and went upstairs to eat, and then sleep." His hands moved to the sink and pushed hard into my body.

"So I was thinking about something." I smiled and put another plate in the dishwasher. "We should move in together." Now water went up in the air and all over the counters. The sponge I was using slipped from my hands and crashed on the floor by our feet. "Not the reaction I was expecting." His voice was humor and I smiled turning quick.

"That was a good reaction." He grinned from ear to ear and wiped water off my face. I smiled and shook my head. "See what you do to me? I'm a mess in your arms."

"Oh well." I rolled my eyes and turned back to the sink. "I'll clean up the water, and then we can go look for places." With one last kiss to the back of my neck, he left form behind me and started wiping up the counters and floor.

We made small talk as we cleaned and every time he would smile, laugh, raise his eyebrows, or just simply look at me in any way…my heart exploded. It sounds painful but the explosion was so comforting. I had missed this feeling. The feeling of being in love. For real.

I put my original sweater back on, with my shoes and walked down to Katie, who was talking with Kendall while he put on shoes. He was asking if she wanted to go, but declined. The couch and the heat was good for her today. I smiled and waved at her as we walked out. I honestly didn't know where we were going, so before anything, I knew I had to go to my apartment with Kevin, and deal with that. I'm a wishful thinker I guess, because I have this mindset that it will be a clean break and there wont be any problems. Apparently I don't really know Kevin, or Kendall.

When I stopped in front of our building I sighed and turned to Kendall.

"This is where you guys live?" He undid his seatbelt and opened the door, getting out. "Nice area."

"We'll he's a lawyer." I got out with him and braced myself. I walked him up to our door and was surprised to see none of my stuff out on the front patio. I pushed my key in the lock and opened it up.  
"Kevin?" I heard Kendall close the door behind me and I sighed putting my keys down. I heard movement down the hall and sucked in a breath hoping for the best. Again, I'm an idiot.

"Logan?" He sounded happy but when he saw me, with Kendall behind the smile faded and he stopped walking. "What is he doing here?" I walked to him quick and shook my head.

"I'm moving out with him." His eyes darted behind me and I sighed. "Please Kevin…can we just make this as painless as possible?" He looked at em quick and laughed.

"Painless?! You think going back with him will be painless?! When I met you Logan you were destroyed over him…and it had been six years since he left! And now you're worried I'll make it painful? All I ever did was give you love and everything else you asked for! How could you do this to me?!"

"Why don't you lower your voice?" I groaned and turned to Kendall who looked pretty mad.

"Kendall…I can handle this." He simply nodded and turned away. "Kevin…" I turned back to him and he shook his head. "I never got over Kendall. Yeah he left and I was heartbroken, but all that matters now is that he's here again, and for once in 8 years I feel happy. You tried to give me everything I asked for, but the most important was him." His face fell a bit and I knew that was cold, but it was the truth. "I'm sorry."

"Just…get your stuff and leave Logan. But don't even come crying to me when he breaks your heart again, because I won't be there. I won't watch you live this kind of life."

"And what kind of life would that be…_Kevin."_ I again turned to Kendall and he started walking towards us. "Who the hell do you think you are trying to tell him what is wrong and right in his heart?"

"Because I know. You destroyed him Kendall, and don't even care!" Kendall was now standing right behind me and I turned putting my hand on his chest.

"Please just go wait in the car." Kendall put a hand on my arm and gently pushed me away.

"I have known Logan since he was 3. He has been my best friend, my soul mate since day one. My whole life purpose was to make him happy. I begged him to find someone else when I was gone, and he did and look what it got him."

"Someone a hell of a lot better than the guy before." Kendall took a step forward but I stepped up quick turning my full attention to Kendall.

"Kendall please go wait in the car!"

"You think your God's gift to man! And it's not true Kendall! Loan could do so much better then you! If you really loved him as much as you claim to, you would let him figure that out for himself!" I turned to face Kevin and wanted to tell him if her liked the way his face looked he should probably stop talking. But I was pushed away. By Kendall and now there was nothing I could do. Kendall shoved Kevin hard, and I was surprised to see how strong Kevin stood against him.

"If Logan wanted to do that I would step back and let him figure things out for himself! But I would never try to force him to love someone like you've been doing!" I scrunched my eyebrows. "James and Carlos have watched you guys and while Logan tried to make himself happy you were forcing him to be happy! To just forget about me, and the life he had before he met you, you pathetic piece of shit!" I tried telling Kevin to stop but no words came out. Kevin raised his fist and swung, but it was stopped. Like immediately. Kendall's hand wrapped around his fist, and turned it so Kevin was on his knees.

"Logan! Stop him!" He was clutching his hand, trying to get it out of Kendall's grasp. Kendall bent down a little and they locked eyes.

"While Logan's gets his things packed you're going to leave. You're going to leave him alone, and you're going to never bother him again. Understand?" I had never heard Kendall sound so…angry. Yeah we've fought, and he's yelled, but nothing was scary then hearing him talk so quietly with so much poison in his words.

He let go of his hand and Kevin stood up, walked past him grabbing his keys and walked out, slamming the door behind him. I looked up at Kendall, mouth slightly open and he sighed out, closing his eyes. I moved to him, cautiously and put a hand on his arm. He twitched but nothing else. I moved in closer and slowly wrapped around his shaking body, hoping my touch would calm him down, just like his touch did for me. When I felt his arms wrap around my back, gently I sighed out and put my head on his chest.

"I'll call James…ask for help. He has a truck." He sounded breathless and I knew he was having another attack. I got on my tippy toes and placed kisses along his face, neck, chest. When I looked up at him he was staring down at me. He looked calm in the face, but was still slightly shaking. I nodded my head and he breathed out, looking over my head. His face was blank.


	8. Chapter 8

**Save Me from Myself**

_**It's not so easy loving me  
It gets so complicated  
All the things you've gotta be  
Everything's changin  
But you're the truth  
I'm amazed by all your patience  
Everything I put you through**_

When I'm about to fall  
Somehow you're always waitin  
with your open arms to catch me  
You're gonna save me from myself  
from myself, yes  
You're gonna save me from myself

_**-Christina Aguilera**_

Ice. It was all I could fell. I don't know if it was because it was freezing balls out, or if it was because someone stole the blankets again. I slowly opened my eyes and smiled knowing it was the latter. I slowly lifter my head, saw the alarm clock reading 3:06am and then looked down at the brown mess of hair on the white pillow case. I pushed up and let the sheet fall off my body. I stepped out of the bed and walked slowly and quietly to the door to get a drink of water. Of course no matter how quiet I tried to be, I managed to hit every single stupid box of shit with my toes. And of course Logan being the nerdiest geek in the world, they all had to be filled with stupid useless books! I made it to the door, turned to see him still asleep and smiled walking out.

As I walked down the long hallway I passed the bathroom felt an urgent need to take a piss. I stepped in, turned on the light and went pee quick. As I was walking out reaching to turn off the light I looked at myself in the mirror. It had been a while since I had done this. Mostly because to see myself, all I had to do was look at Logan.

It wasn't that I didn't like who I saw staring at me. Okay that was a lie. I wasn't a huge fan of the guy looking back at me. He had the same shaved head, which was starting to grow back out. He had the same green eyes, that 8 years ago, shined a lot brighter. I had the same stupid scar on my chin when I fell on the ice and cut open my chin. Everything was the same…but inside I was different. The one thing that showed me I was in fact different was the silver pair of dog tags around my neck. Seeing those…just looking at them and feeling them on my skin made me think of everything. Of all of the memories from the past 8 years. I hated it. It made me know I was the bad guy. I was the one killed people. I was the one who watched my fellow solders get shot and killed right before my very eyes. I didn't like it. I hated this guy. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I did not want to. I looked down at the sink quick and saw my tooth brush. Logan's tooth brush, the tooth paste, some floss, one of his combs and then something I hated myself for leaving out in sight. A small pair of scissors I used to cut Logan's hair for him just today.

My hand was shaky as I shut the bathroom door. I clutched the scissors in my hand and slowly slid down the wall opposite the sink and counter. I pushed my knees up to my chest and raised my left wrist. I raised my right arm and noticed the silver blades of the scissors shaking and told myself I can't do this. As I looked down I saw my dog tags and squeezed my eyes. Of course I could do this.

There was a specific thing they taught us in training. If ever in a knife fight, go for the main arteries first. The neck especially. That would be an instant death. Some idiot in the group asked where the other main arteries were and they said the wrists and the inner thighs. Why most people fail at killing themselves, is because they cut from side to side. If you want to do serious damage, it's up and down. Along with the vein.

I didn't even fell the pain as the blade sliced my wrist. It was at that time I remembered a night where me and a few guys stayed up one night, getting drunk, looking at nudey magazines one of their brothers sent them. By 4 the next morning, which is when we had to get up, we were all throwing up, and not feeling our best. It was that day we had to go out on a mission. Thinking of this made me slip and press harder into my skin with the blade. I let out a quiet hiss looked down quick. There was already blood flowing out. The sight made me queasy. It made me think of the day of the mission. We had no idea there was some guys surrounding us, and one of my good friends, was shot. Right in the head. Next to me. Just as I was watching the blood drip out of my arm, is how I remembered seeing the blood coming out of his head.

"Kendall?" I put my head back, closed my eyes and let the tears fall. I dropped the scissors to the floor and smiled a little. For a second now, the pain was gone. My mind was at ease. I was…happy. "Babe…you in here?" There was a soft knock at the door. I didn't move or even open my eyes. I heard the door open and then a gasp from him. "No…babe no." I slowly opened my eyes and watched him grab a towel and press it on my wrist. He bent down in front of me shaking his head. "Why?" He made me look at me and I laughed. I let my head roll to the side. I rested it on my shoulder and he sighed. "Don't move. I'll be right back." He picked the scissors up off the ground and walked out quick. I heard him go in our room and sit on the bed. Figures. Doesn't want to deal with me.

"_Dad…hey…no I'm alright…I'm sorry its so late…I just…I need your help. It's Kendall." _I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed my legs out in front of me. I really wanted to sleep right now, and definitely didn't want to see Logan's dad. But when he walked back in, seconds after saying thank you to his dad and hanging up, I couldn't tell him any of this. He looked so worried. And sad. I felt horrible.

He walked to my right side and sat down next to me, putting my bleeding wrists in his lap and held the towel tight around it. I put my head on his shoulder and felt a lot of tears leave my eyes.

I think I fell asleep. Maybe I was just wishing I had. But when I opened my eyes, Mr. Mitchell was standing beside me, and bending down, putting one arm under my arm while Logan did the same to the other side, lifting me up. They carried me out, Logan still clutching my wrists and carried me to the couch. When they set em down Logan remained at my side while his dad sat on the coffee table in front of us. I caught a glance at his dad and had to smile. It was clear where Logan got his looks.

"Kendall…can I ask you some questions?" Great here comes Dr. Mitchell, psychiatrist.

"Sure…" My voice was quiet and Logan took the towel off my arm. His dad sucked in a breath and looked up at Logan.

"Go get a wet towel some hydrogen peroxide and a big band aid." I looked up at Logan and he quickly got up resting my arm in my lap. He walked back to the bathroom and I turned back to Mr. Mitchell. "DO you want to tell me why you did this?" His hand was icy cold on my arm and I closed my eyes. I saw blood and my dead friend on the ground. I opened my eyes quick and swallowed hard.

"I…I changed." He raised his eyebrows and I shook my head. "I watched people I know die. DO you know what they did with his body? They put it in a body bag and shipped him off to his parents with a sorry note attached. He had a wife, and his wife just gave birth to his little girl. I…" I stopped and he squeezed my hand.

"Kendall…you were in war. You are definitely changed. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. And everything that happened, happened. And you can't keep living back in the "what if's". Stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong."

"No…that's the problem…I didn't do anything." He sat back and scrunched his eyebrows while Logan came out with the things to attend my wound.

"Does he need to go to the ER?" Logan sat down, looking at his dad who shook his head.

"No…let's get it cleaned and covered, and tomorrow…or sometime in the very near future, you need to make sure he goes to see a doctor." Logan froze and started at his dad. "He needs to talk with someone. If eh wants and feels more comfortable talking with me, you know I wouldn't charge but if he doesn't I'll call around and find someone good for you. For both of you." Logan slowly nodded and I closed my eyes having had enough.

It was a sleepless night obviously. I don't think Logan went back to sleep either. He just looked so worried, which made me feel worse. When the sun came up he got out of bed, not even glancing at me. I don't know if he thought I was asleep or if he just didn't want em to see him sad. Wasn't sure. So I got up and followed out after him. He was in the kitchen, making coffee, trying to find the coffee grounds. I stood by the fridge not sure what to say. He saw me but he also said nothing. It was like automatically there was a wall between us and no matter how hard I tried to break it or scream for him to hear me out, I couldn't.

"You need to go see a doctor Kendall." I stared at the back of his head and swallowed hard. "I thought, after two months of being home, you an di move in with each other, you not having any more panic attacks like that night, you were fine. But…but I must have read it wrong. I must have not heard your pleas and cries for help and I'm sorry for that." He was kind of ridiculous. He was apologizing to me? "I want to help you, but I don't know how…especially after what happened this morning." He finally turned to face me and he was crying. "I want to be the reason you don't feel the need to do that. I want to be the reason your happy with your life, but if you do that…I fell like it's my fault because I'm not listening to you maybe, or I'm not pushing you hard enough to talk to me…"

"Logan stop." He looked down and wiped his eyes. "It's not you…I…I'm messed up." He looked up quick and I smiled. "There is something wrong with me. It's like every time I see something…anything that reminds me of what I did or where I was…I don't know, I snap." He had finished crying now and I walked to him, unsure if he would even want to be near me. But he did. He pulled me close to him and rested his head on my chest. "I want to talk to your dad."


	9. Chapter 9

**After The Storm**

_**And I took you by the hand  
And we stood tall,  
And remembered our own land,  
What we lived for.**_

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

_**-Mumford & Son's**_

Two Hours. Two long, painful, heartbreaking hours of sitting by myself not knowing what he was saying or what was happening. He said he wanted to talk to my dad, so we left after we got some coffee. That was two hours ago. I was scared. Mostly for Kendall. He isn't really the type to break down his walls and ask for help. I wasn't sure how he would react.

I got up from my dad's desk chair and walked over to the book case along the wall. I scanned it, looking for something, anything that would get my mind off this. But unfortunately, I was in a psychiatrist's office. The first book I saw had four big letters on the side in bold white print. I picked it up carefully and waked back to the desk.

Reading about P.T.S.D. wasn't the most cheerful thing in the world, but if Kendall had it, I was going to make the absolute best of it, and try to help him the best I could. The book was boring and for once, reading something, I felt stupid. The words seemed too smashed together. It was frustrating. It was like my brain was telling me something but I couldn't figure out what. Fortunately I didn't have to read too much more, because I heard two familiar voices and laughter, which made me feel good. I got up quick and put the book back before running back to his seat. I felt like a kid again. I got into a lot of trouble with my dad in his office when I was young.

The door opened and Kendall was first smiling ear to ear. I smiled and stood up quickly walking to him. He took my hand and kissed my head. My dad walked in and was grinning just as big.

"What did you do in here?" My dad narrowed his eyes at me and I looked around showing him his office the exact same way.

"I'm not 10 anymore dad. I didn't need to ruin your office for my entertainment." He laughed and slipped behind Kendall walking to his desk. He sat down and sighed.

"Well I have an appointment at 11…but I'm scheduling you for next Tuesday at 9 right?" I looked up at Kendall and he nodded, smiling. I smiled back and wrapped around his waist. "Okay sir. You are all set to go. You know my number. Give me a call if you need to. For anything."

"Will do sir. Thank you…again for the billionth time." My dad laughed and stood up shaking Kendall's hand.

"How long will it take you to drop the sir business? It makes me feel old." Kendall laughed and sneakily slipped his hand in the back pocket of my jeans.

"Well in the service sir is a sign of respect…sir." My dad glared at him and Kendall laughed leading me to the door. I stopped and faced my dad.

"Thank you…dad. For everything." My dad smiled and got form behind his desk. He walked to me pulling em in and giving me a hug. I hugged back and smiled. "I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a while."

"You're here now. That's all that matters. Besides, now we have an excuse to see each other. Every Tuesday until Kendall get's sick of me." I pulled away and shook my head.

"No…I'm going to make an effort to see you everyday. Or at least call." My dad gave a nice smile and patted my cheek gently.

"I'd love it Logan." I smiled and gave him one last hug before walking out, hand in hand with Kendall. When we were safely in the car, just like I suspected he pulled me in, kissing my face neck and anywhere he could.

"I'm so sorry Logan." He was gasping for air and I pushed him away holding his face.

"For what?" He looked down and raised his wrist. I sighed and let go of his face.

"I…I should have gone to you. I need to go to you from now on. Doc's orders." I turned to him and he laughed pulling his seatbelt on. "Your dad thinks it's great I have you…that I have our relationship so that I can build up a better understanding of what life is and not what life use to be when I was on active duty." I quickly reached out for his hand and he grabbed it. "I need…I need you to watch me. With…with P.T.S.D. sometimes I'll want to be alone and not talk about anything and that's when you need to get worried."

"Okay baby." He squeezed my hand and felt it get raised as he kissed along my knuckles. "Just tell me what you need from me, and I will do it." No more words were spoken. As i started driving, Kendal clutching my hand like his life depended on it, I tried to imagine what would have happened if Kendall hadn't have left. One, I would have gone to med school. He would have demanded it, because he always wanted em to fill my dreams. Two, we probably would be married or at least on that track by now. Kendall's a hopeless romantic unfortunately. Three, I would have had a better relationship with my dad, I'm sure of it. Not really sure how that happened…

"Loges?" I turned to him realizing we were stopped at a red light and he was smiling but looked confused. "You okay? You seem distant." I laughed and looked back to the front.

"Where would you like to go? Lunch, see a movie? Maybe drive up to the lake?"

"Your avoiding my question." He started tracing hearts on the top of my hand, and when I looked over at him he was staring down at it.

"Just thinking about any and everything. Nothing too concerning." I squeezed his hand for reassurance.

"Well if you say so but you should just take me home. You have work." I chuckled and he sighed.

"I already took care of it. I talked to Carlos and James this morning." He went quiet and let go of my hand. "I had to tell them something…happened with you. I didn't go into details…I-I didn't know if you would be…"

"Logan it's alright. Their friends. And one's your business partner. You had to tell them your boyfriend went psycho and tried to kill himself. I get it." I had to look at him quick. He sounded…so bitter. It was like a switch went off in his head. He wasn't looking at me but I could see his jaw clenched. I looked back out to the front and heard him sigh. "Just take me home. I want…want to sleep." I grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and only nodded.

As soon as I parked in front of the building, he was out, door slammed behind him and half way up the stairs before the car was even off. I opened my door but at the same time my phone started ringing and I answered it quick, not looking at the name.

"Hello?" I pinched the bridge of my nose and rested my elbows n the top of the steering wheel.

"Logan?! Is Kendall okay! I just had to hear form Katie who was told by James and Carlos he tried to kill himself? Where is my baby?" Forgot about mom.

"Jennifer he's alright. He…his wrist is covered and wasn't deep enough to do damage. I called my dad last night and we just got back from seeing him."

"Kendall…Kendall went to see a…?" She sounded sad but I just didn't care. I was in a pissy mood and didn't want to talk about it.

"Yes…you should give him a call. He can tell you more about it." There was a tiny sigh and before she said goodbye I hung up. I made my way up to the apartment quick and walked in slamming the door, mimicking his earlier behavior. I walked through the place until I found him in the kitchen leaning against the counter one hand holding his phone to his ear while the other hand covered his eyes. I walked cautiously to him and put a hand on his hip. He didn't move either hands just crashed into me and sighed.

"My dad…he's trying to get a hold of me…" I wrapped around him tight and he laughed. "Of all fucking days."

"Shh…I'm here. You don't have to talk to him Kendall…" I rubbed up and down his back and one of his hands tangled in the back of my head and sighed. "Just hang up."

"I…I want to tell him something first." I nodded and looked up to see his face. It was blank. I could faintly hear another voice on the other end and he squeezed his eyes shut. "I…I hate you."


	10. Chapter 10

**On My Own**

_**And now it seems that I have found  
Nothing at all  
I want to hear your voice out loud  
Slow it down, slow it down  
Without it all  
I'm choking on nothing  
It's clear in my head  
And I'm screaming for something  
Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all**_

On my own

_**-The Used**_

"_I know you hate me…I hate me…but I wanted you to know I was getting out in two days and your sister told me you got back two months ago." _I squeezed my eyes shut and felt comfort coming from Logan…but it didn't seem like enough. Katie told him I was home? More importantly Katie was talking to him, and mom was okay with it? "_She was the one who gave me this number. Well with permission buy your mother of course. Also…she told me that you were back with Logan and I can't tell you how happy I am for you. He was always perfect for you." _I opened my eyes and pushed Logan back by his hip and turned away so I was facing the sink. I put my head down and heard the sigh from Logan. "_I know your going to not like hearing this part…but your mom is letting me come back. I promise you Kendall, I'm different. I'm not that guy anymore. It took me almost 15 years to figure that out, but I'm changed." _

"I don't want to see you. Ever again." It went quiet on the other line and one of Logan's hands was on my back I shrugged it off and he backed away and I heard him walk out of the kitchen. Two second slater the bedroom door was slammed shut. I turned back around and leaned against the counter. "I'm done talking to you. I need to take care of something…"

"_Kendall please…" _It was all I heard because I hung up. I put the phone on the counter and walked back to the shared room. It seemed to take longer then usual probably because I was debating weather I wanted to deal with him, right after talking to my dad. When I reached our bedroom door, it was open. I looked down the hall and saw the bathroom door shut and then heard the shower running. Good enough excuse not to deal with it right now. I stepped in the room and flopped on the bed, grateful for sleep.

It didn't happen though. I couldn't sleep. I knew pushing Logan away iek I did probably only made things worse, and just like his dad said, I needed to pull Logan in, instead of pushing. I laid flat on my back for 10 minutes while he showered and then shaved. I was upset about that. I loved his little beard he was growing.

When the bathroom door opened, I turned quick facing away from the door and sighed. I heard him walk in, and could smell the body soap and after shave. It made my eyes close, and my stomach flip. The closet door slammed open and it made em shoot up. The door hitting the wall…sounded all to familiar. I knew he heard me get up and when he turned around I knew he knew what he just did. My eyes were wide, full of fear. I could just tell. I was clenching the sheets, trying my hardest not to break down completely. His body relaxed and he walked over to me slowly.

"I'm so sorry Kendall…I...i didn't mean to make it so loud." I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed out hard.

"It'sok." I had to force it out, just to let him know I wasn't to terribly upset. It still was ringing through my ears but feeling him get on the bed, made e open my eyes, His towel was threatening to fall off at any second. It was around his waist but barely. He moved closer, not caring if in fact the towel fell and one of his still warm hands cupped my cheek. Just that small contact sent me over and I pulled into him. I made our lips touch, causing him to push me down on my back and get over top of me.

8 years without any kind of physical contact with another human being, especially my Logan, was enough to make me insane. I missed a lot about Logan but the one thing I would always crave and want dearly, was his touch and the feeling of being inside him. There was just something different and special about him that made me hooked. Not that I had anyone else to compare him to but he was the best. And honestly, I didn't need anyone else to compare him to. He would always be the best.

I sat up on my elbows, while he tried unbuttoning my pants while trying not to shake. This would be the first time, in a long time, for both of us, and just like the very first time, he was a nervous wreck. I sat up quick and put my hands on his shoulders. He looked up, eyes a little dark form lust, and bit his bottom lip, which sent me over the edge. I shoved him to the side and pushed him on his back. I got off the bed, tearing the towel out from under him and he moaned out, running his hands through his hair. I kicked off my shoes, undid my pants and slid them off with my boxers. I went to the bottom of the bed and grabbed his legs, and pulled him down, so his bitt was hanging off the end. I bent down some and took his lips in mine. He kissed back greedily holding the back of my neck with one hand. I pulled away to get a better look at him and he was slightly panting with red cheeks.

"Didn't you want to wait?" He raised his eyebrows. "Go slow…"

"Kendall…I think 2 months is plenty slow. I need you right now, and if I didn't know any better I'd think you needed me." It was like he was reading my mind and it made me that much more excited. I stood up, still staring at the fire in his eyes and positioned myself. "Go easy down their champ. 8 years…remember." I laughed and nodded. He wrapped his legs around my body and i slowly and gently pushed inside. His moans were intoxicating. His arched back was giving me permission to push in harder. His fist tightly clenching the bed sheets encouraged me to bend down and kiss the life out of him while he adjusted. When it was all said in done…we were finally as one. He was with me and I was with him, and for once in my head, everything was right, and everything had stopped spinning and made since.

It wasn't until he was grinding down on me, begging me to thrust into him, I snapped out of my thoughts and did as he wished. He managed to grab ahold of my arms and was scratching up and down my arms. I was really trying to keep it together but it all happened so fast and before i knew It was emptying inside him. Completely. And it was only seconds later where he did the same putting it all over his stomach. We both groaned loud and animal like. When my weight became too much I pulled out and fell over top of him. He groaned when our bodies collided but otherwise stayed quiet except for the panting. His hands went to my back and rubbed up and down slowly.

"Wow…" He said it breathlessly and I chuckled kissing the skin I could reach without moving too much. "Even though that was the quickest we've ever gone, I am still confident that was our best."

"I have to agree. Although this position is killing my back." He gently pushed me up and got off the bed. He pushed me on the bed and I crawled on it, on my stomach and sighed out hard. My feet dangled off the end and his hands ran up the back of my legs. He continued slightly parting my legs until his hands where at my butt.

"So…I mean only if you want…can I ask what he wanted?" I closed my eyes and didn't move letting him lay over me. He wasn't heavy and it didn't bother me. And as a plus he was gently nibbling at my ear.

"He wanted to tell me he was getting out and that him and my mom are going to be together again." He sighed and rested his cheek on my shoulder. "Also…Katie's been talking to him. Like a lot." I pushed my arms up under the pillows and sighed out. "Sorry I was dick to you…"

"Don't Kendall. I was being pushy. I'm sorry." I chuckled and lifted my head and raised up on my elbows. He put kisses all over my shoulder and before I could tell him I love him, his cell could be heard from down the hall echoing in the bathroom. He groaned and got up slowly. "I swear to God if that's Carlos…." He jumped off the bed, still naked and walked out into the hall. I laughed and pushed myself up, sitting on the edge of the bed. "What Carlos…no I'm sorry…yes he's fine. He's better then fine…" He walked back into the room smiling ear to ear and I smiled big back. "He is great." I got up quick and pushed him into the wall. He covered his mouth and I attached my lips to his neck. "Is there some kind of emergency? Were in the middle of something…" I bit down and he couldn't hid the groan. I put my hand sunder his but and lifted him, keeping him against the wall. His legs wrapped around waist and I continued to attack his neck. "Wait what?" I stopped and he put a hand on my mouth shaking his head. "No Carlos…why would I do that?!" He was yelling …at Carlos. I carefully put him down and he closed his eyes. "Carlos I promise I didn't do it! Why would I fuck with that?...oh yes you are!" I put a hand on his shoulder and he sighed. "Carlos I promise I didn't do it…what? Well he went with me a couple times…Carlos he's not that kind of guy…" He looked down quick and I knew I heard the name Kevin. "No please just let me talk to him…I will kill James if he does!" I sighed and kissed his head. "Yeah okay…give me a few. Okay." He hung up and put his head back closing his eyes. "Were short on money, and Carlos thinks it was Kevin. I have to go in…" H looked at me and frowned. "I'm sorry. We were having such a nice time and…" I put a finger to his lips and smiled.

"Go take care of it my little financial genius." He smiled and nodded. "I need to find a job to. Or at least a hobby anyway." He nodded again and pushed into me kissing my Adam's apple.

I watched him get dressed and ready, as I sat in bed with his laptop in front of me. Once he was all dressed I had the unnerving fear that he wasn't coming back. It was like once he left, after the shit I put him through in the past 24 hours, he was going to be done and just leave. He walked to me kissing the side of my mouth and then my temple.

"Hopefully this won't be long. And if you need me, just call. I will drop everything for you." I turned ot him and felt some fear leaving my body, and nodded. "And if you just need someone to talk to call me. Please babe." I swallowed hard and closed my eyes nodding. "I love you."

"I love you too…" He kissed my lips one more time and I took the opportunity to wrap around him. He sighed and got on his knees next to me, resting his head on top of mine. I put my head on his chest and squeezed him.

"Do you want me to stay? I can have Carlos bring the paper work here…"

"No…no go…I just…just give em a minute." He kissed the top of my head and ran his hands over my bare head. "I…I really love you Logan."

"I know babe. I love you too. So much." For me, just hearing that seemed ot be enough. I pulled away and nodded smiling up at him.

"Okay…you can go." He laughed and kissed my lips one last time and got off the bed. "Call me when you're coming home so I can make dinner." He nodded smiling and blew me a kiss as he walked out the bedroom. When the front door shut, and I even heard the lock click in place I sat back and sighed out. I looked around and was tempted to turn on the TV, to try to find something cheerful and happy, but the emptiness and quiet was too much I closed my eyes, feeling a headache coming on. All that strength I felt hearing Logan tell em he loved me, and feeling him around my arms was disappearing. Fast. I was slowly slipping back into the familiar dark hole where all I knew was, pain, fear and loneliness.


	11. Chapter 11

**Fix A Heart**

_**Even though I know what's wrong  
How could I be so sure  
If you never say what you feel, feel  
I must have held your hand so tight  
You didn't have the will to fight  
I guess you needed more time to heal**_

Baby, I just ran out of Band-Aids  
I don't even know where to start  
'Cause you can bandage the damage  
You never really can fix a heart

_**-Demi Lovato**_

The parking lot was empty which wasn't that odd. It was the middle of the day, and slightly snowing out. No one wanted to be at a bar like this. I parked in front next to Carlos's car, surprised not to see James's truck. I got out, putting my hood on and walking to the front quickly. When the door opened I was hit with the smell of beer. Very odd. But walking in further and taking off my hood, my mouth fell open and I stopped in my tracks seeing Carlos on his knees picking up broken glass. He looked up and sighed seeing me.

"Either someone broke in, jacked our money and broke all of the liquor, and I mean all of it Loges. There is not one bottle standing." He sounded so sad and I walked over bending down and helping him clean. "I'm sorry I accused you." I shook my head and he sighed sitting back. "And I'm sorry I had you come in. If it wasn't an emergency, I wouldn't have called with what happened with Kendall…"

"Carlos." He looked up at me and I smiled. "Were business partners, but more importantly best friends. Even if this wasn't half mine, I would have come to help." He smiled and we went back to picking up glass.

"SO how is he?" I sighed and shook my head.

"When I find out I'll let you know." He glanced at me and I kept looking down. "He…he only talked to my dad this morning. And as soon as we get home, his dad calls telling him he's getting out in two days." Carlos dropped glass he was holding breaking it even more. I sat back setting the glass I was holding back on the ground and leaned against the bar. "What am I supposed to do? I need to be there for Kendall but…with his dad coming back in the picture…"

"Wait his parents are getting back together?" I nodded and he whistled low leaning against the bar next to me. "How could Jennifer do that? Not only to Kendall but herself? And Katie?" I shrugged my shoulders trying my hardest not to remember his dad and the day he went to jail 15 years ago, but it was hard not…

"_Ready or not, here I come!" I covered my mouth to stop the giggles while Kendall sat next to me doing the same._

"_James will never find us…" He whispered in my ear and I let out a tiny little squeal and he hit my arm and covered my mouth with his own hand. "Shh!" He whispered in my ear. We heard the footsteps get closer and when the doors opened, James bent down smiling._

"_Gotcha!" Kendall groaned and got out from under the sink holding out his hand for me. I took it and let him pull me out. He glared at James who was looking to proud of himself. "I told you Kendall. You shouldn't hid with Logan. He is the worst hide-n-seek player ever!" Kendall lightly shoved James and I blushed, realizing Kendall was still holding my hand. I let go and he looked at em weird but didn't even have time to ask. "Now, Carlos on the other hand…I'm going to need help finding him." Kendall and James grinned like idiots and ran off as I stayed in the kitchen. I heard their planning on a surprise attack on Carlos when I heard a soft cry coming from upstairs. I sighed and walked to the stairs forgetting about the game._

_Even at 11 years old I knew how to take care of a baby pretty well. Me James and Carlos were always over at Kendall's house and his two year old sister was always the center of attention so I liked learning about how to take care of her. Kendall's dad was asleep still form his night shift at the factory he worked at so I decided to check on little Katie myself._

_When I opened the door however, I realized it was a huge mistake. Standing by her crib, a bottle of some brown liquid in one hand while a soft pink pillow in the other was Kendall's dad. I always referred to him and Mr. Knight, hearing my dad tell me that's how we address adults. But when I saw him raise that small pillow, I was lost for words. I couldn't even ask him what he was doing. Katie was awake, squirming around trying to get her father to come down to her level and give her the love she was so desperately trying to get. But he didn't. He just lowered the pillow over her face and here cries became muffled. Just like that something snapped in my head an di knew I had to stop him before he stopped her form breathing._

"_Mr. Knight?" My voice came out shakily but I didn't care. He didn't turn around so I walked in, got behind him and reached for the arm holding the pillow. When I touched him he jerked like it was the first time he noticed me. He pulled away and I looked down at the crib. I quickly took the pillow off her face and almost cried seeing her little body gasping for air. Her face was red and the tears were still coming out furiously. I went to pick her up but was grabbed my upper arm. I turned and looked up seeing Mr. Knight staring down at me. His grip tightened and it hurt really bad. "Please let go." His face remained blank and out of now where he tossed me to the side, making me crash into Katie dresser. My back smacked hard into the little handles and I fell on my butt._

"_I cant deal with this anymore." I stared up at him as he dropped the bottle and walked over to me. I tried getting up but my back hurt to much._

"_Logan?" I heard Kendall calling my name and opened my mouth to call back for help, but his dad's strong hand was wrapped tight around my throat. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried prying his hand off my neck. "Dude…we found Carlos…we're not playing anymore." I slowly opened my eyes and saw his dad crying. I tried pushing him away, seeing white and feeling dizzy and that's when I heard footsteps. "Dad…what…what are you doing?" I was let go and I gasped out for air rubbing my neck. I watched his dad move quickly to Kendall and slap him hard across the face. He fell to the floor an di pushed myself up. Carlos went to Kendall's side while James ran to his dad and tried pushing him away only to be tossed to the side like me. I went to Katie's crib and picked her up, holding her to my chest. I saw a phone on a small table and I as I walked to it, I heard the front door open and Mrs. Knights cheery voice._

I tore out of my thoughts hearing the front door open.

"Were closed…" I turned and watched James walk in, unzipping his jacket. "Oh hey James." He looked down at me and Carlos and sighed.

"I brought some help to clean, so you guys can work out the money situation." I sighed and nodded hearing the door open again. I watched Katie walk in, holding the hand of a boy. Both Carlos and I jumped up and James laughed. "It was just going to be Katie but, Scott was already there, so I volunteered him. I was hoping Kendall would be here so they could meet." I saw a flash of fear go across the kids eyes and Katie rolled her eyes.

"Kendall will like him. You're just a jerk." I stared at Katie and had a million questions running through my mind, not only about her boyfriend but about her dad. I wasn't sure if anyone told her, what he tried to do to her, but I still didn't want her any where near him.

"Well I guess Logan and I will go sort through the books if you guys don't mind." James shook his head and Katie went to the back supply room grabbing a broom and mop handing the mop to Scoot. I turned and followed Carlos back into my office and gasped out. The safe that was in the corner of the room was open wide, empty. There were papers thrown all over my office and Carlos sighed sitting on the couch up against the wall. "When I got here, I came through the back and saw your office like this. That's when I called you. I didn't realize the bar was fucked up until we hung up. All the money form the safe is gone and I looked online at our account and it got swiped Logan." I moved cautiously to my desk and sat down behind it. "We were emptied clean." I shook my head and turned ot him.

"You called the cops?" He nodded. "And what did they say?"

"Well they were going to send someone over but that was like 45 minutes ago. I swear you can get pizza faster in this town then get a cop out." I glanced over my office and sighed out. "We need to go through the books, and see how much we lost and see what we can do." I felt my head nod in agreement and he sighed standing up, picking up the papers.

My thoughts drifted to Kendall and the night his dad was taken away in the back of a squad car. He wouldn't look at me, or talk to me. When my parents came to pick me up, reassuring Mrs. Knight that they didn't blame her, and they were glad me Kendall and Katie were alright, I begged him to talk to me. He burst into tears and pulled me into a hug asking for forgiveness. He blamed himself for letting his dad hurt me. I tried to calm him down but he wouldn't stop. I convinced my parents to let me stay with Kendall for the night. I'd like to think that was the moment I knew I was in love with him. Yes. We were 11, but that didn't mean I stupid to my own feelings.

Then I got to thinking some more that maybe, Kendall, has never really been okay. With anything. He still has a hard time talking to me, and I'd like to blame his dad for that. He must think I'd leave him, or hurt him, like his dad. And maybe I can't fix him. Maybe I have to let him be the way he is, minus the whole suicide thing. Maybe I just have to accept the love of my life, the one man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, was a little on the quiet shy. I had to get over it. He didn't want to talk and tell me what was going on in his head. Oh well. As long as he was with me, and wanted em just as much as I wanted him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Vespers Goodbye**

_**Somewhere I  
Let all my defenses down  
And never thought to turn around  
And you do not make a sound**_

See it turning red  
Like a bullet through the chest  
Lay me down to rest  
It's a lover's final breath

And I found out  
Nothing comes without a cost  
And life was just a game we lost  
Do you have a better thought?

_**Nick Jonas and the Administration**_

He was a few hours longer then I would have liked but it's for his job so…I have to be okay with it. And it wasn't like I needed him at this moment. And besides he called. He said he'd be home by 7. It was 6:30. I lasted all day without him; I could do it for another 30 minutes.

This would literally be the first time in a very long time that I have cooked. I was a little rusty but my spaghetti sauce smelled good, and the garlic bread in the oven was toasting just nicely. My water was boiling which meant it was time for the pasta to be thrown in.

I had done pretty good all day not thinking about anything related to my wrist or my discussion with Logan's dad but as I watched the food cook my thoughts were turned to the reasoning behind cutting myself. Did I honestly think killing myself would be the best option? Would it solve anything? Perhaps for me it would, but then what about everyone else, like my mom or my sister, or my best friends? Wouldn't it destroy them? Or am I thinking people care about me, when they really don't?

And then what about Logan? He was so upset when he saw me on the bathroom floor bleeding. Or was that disappointment? No…my Logan would be devastated if something happened to me. I mean he was crushed when I left 8 years ago and it took him 6 years to even move on. What would he do if I was gone forever? Was I really that selfish to find out?

I turned away from the stove, and slowly started walking out of the kitchen. I don't really know where I'm going but my feet won't stop walking, and as soon as I see that bathroom door, it's like a light bulb went off in my head. But it stopped. Everything stopped including my walking. I heard a key in the lock and spun around to the front door. The door pushed open and I could feel the cold winter wind creep into the house. Logan's face appeared and he was smiling. I smiled back and he kicked the door shut.

"Jesus something smells delicious." I nodded and walk over to him. He breaths out and I can't help but feel so happy seeing his nose and cheeks red from the cold.

"I made us some spaghetti and garlic bread and a salad." He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. Now is my chance. I moved in quick and pressed my lips into his. He lets out a moan of surprise and I push into him making him run into the door behind him. His hands went up the sides of my body until he moves them over my shoulders and slowly up my neck, until both hands are running over my head. When I pull away his eyes are still closed and he lets out a pained breath. I put my hands on his hips and kiss his forehead. "Is everything alright with work?" He pushes into me hard and wraps his arms around my torso. I sigh and hug him tight.

"Someone broke in. All our money was taken, even the account wiped clean. Every single bottle of liquor was busted. We have nothing now." I run my fingers through his hair and he turned his head so one of his cheeks was resting on my peck. "Carlos thinks it might have been Kevin."

"What do you think?" He shrugged his shoulders and I sighed. "Logan you know Kevin. Do you think he would do something like this?" Logan slowly raised is head and we locked eyes.

"You don't automatically assume he did it?" I laughed and grabbed one hand, walking him to the kitchen.

"I don't think you would be with a guy like that, no." When we walked into the kitchen I let go of his hand and quickly opened the oven, and pulled out the bread.

We ate dinner, right next to each other at the table, in silence. He would occasionally look at me and smile but then go back to eating. When I finished I sat back and watched him. He got up, picking up both of our plates and walked them out to the kitchen. He quickly walked back out and climbed on my lap, curling his body into the smallest possible position. He pressed his head into the crook of my neck and grabbed one of my arms, wrapping around it with his arms. I slowly rubbed up his back with my free arm and he let out a small sigh.

"Can I tell you something?" He only nodded his head against my body. "When I was cutting myself…" I felt his body tense up and I continued to rub his back. "I never once thought about what would happen to you if I did do something stupid like killing myself." He sat up quick shaking his head.

"No Kendall…I…I don't like hearing you talk about this." I smiled and cupped his face.

"I never though how selfish that would have been on my part. I'm sorry that my whole life I have been putting myself before you. That I never stopped to think about how you would feel. I mean…when I left I never once told myself you would be destroyed without me, and I know you were Logan." He bit his bottom lip and looked down. "For the time being all I can think about is you, and how I can make you happy, and what I can do to make sure i never make that mistake again." I had to lift his face to look at me. His face was blank and for once i couldn't read Logan. "I don't' think I can go on without you, and if I ever found out I couldn't have you anymore…I don't know. It would…it would definitely make me do something crazy." He turned his head away fast and got off my lap faster. He walked into the kitchen and started doing the dishes. I slowly got up and stared at him. "What's wrong?" He only shook his head and I sighed walking in. "Logan come on…what's wrong? Did I say something upsetting?" He sighed out loudly and turned to me hands wet and dripping with soap.

"How could you even think that Kendall?" I was confused beyond reason and he threw his hands up. "How could you…be so…thoughtless?" I shook my head not understanding anything. "You think there's no pressure or very high wall between the two of us now? Because I feel it." He stepped forward but kept his distance. "For the rest of our lives together I have to make sure, that nothing happens to us. I have to watch you now because who knows what's going to set you off. And how dare you throw this guilt bullshit on me! I never asked you to think of me. I never asked you to live your life for me!"

"That wasn't my point Logan. I'm making that choice for myself now. I don't want to be without you because I need you."

"What happened to the days when you just wanted me?" He took another step towards me. "What happened to the days when you would come see me just because you wanted to, and not because you felt the need to? Do you know how scary it is to know that someone is depending on you for everything? Do you know how crazy I went today knowing I had left you home alone, with a number of things you could have used to hurt yourself with?" I was starting to feel the anger rising and I shook my head. "You never used to "need" someone Kendall. It's always been people needing you, like me! I can't be that guy Kendall. I just can't…can't be there for you 24/7 and watch you to make sure you're doing okay. That's not who I am. I am not strong enough for the both of us, and for you to think I can be is very selfish on your part!" He shoved past me and walked out of the kitchen. I followed him quickly and when I was close enough I grabbed his arm and spun him around to face me.

"What is that supposed to me?"

"You need to get yourself healed, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, before you can ask me for help. I can't fix you Kendall and I can't protect you." I let go of him and he looked down. "I told myself it would be a mistake to take you back, only because I was afraid I'd lose you again. And now…I don't even know who you are anymore." He looked up and grabbed both of my hands. "I can't love someone who doesn't even love himself." He squeezed my hands and leaned up kissing my cheek. He let me go and turned grabbing his jacket and keys, before walking out of the house and letting the wind slam the door shut.


	13. Chapter 13

**I'm Movin' On**

_**I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons  
Finally content with a past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
I'm movin' on**_

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
Each one is different but they're always the same  
They mean no harm but it's time that I face it  
They'll never allow me to change  
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on  
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
And I know there's no guarantee's, but I'm not alone  
There comes a time in everyone's life  
When all you can see are the years passing by  
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

**Rascal Flatts**

THREE MONTHS LATER

"You know you can talk to me." I poked at my eggs and nodded. "I know…sometimes you fele talking to me, it's like talking to a therapist and not your dad, but I am your dad Logan. If you just tell me what's o your mind…"

"You wouldn't understand dad." I looked across the table at him and he nodded sitting back sipping his coffee. "Besides…it's Christmas morning. We should be doing what we usually do and not talk about him." He smiled and nodded again. "So…we'll open presents, make gingerbread men and watch It's A Wonderful life." He leaned forward picking up his fork and stabbing into his eggs. "I would have helped you cook this morning."

"You looked too peaceful. It was the first night I didn't hear you screaming in your sleep." We avoided eye contact for obvious reasons. "And it's been a while that I've had you home."

"I know…I'm sorry dad." We locked eyes and he shook his head.

"No. You have nothing to be sorry about. I just…I need to face the facts. The little boy I used ot go to every museum with has grown up. It's time I move on." I smile and he wipes his mouth. "That doesn't mean I don't want you here." I laughed and sip my orange juice while he ate more eggs.

"I saw the package from mom." He nodded slowly and bites some of his bacon.

"It came two days ago. It's mailed to both of us." I could feel my stomach turning and I put my fork down, suddenly not very hungry. "You don't have to open it." I nod, but somewhere in my mind, I want to. I want to cause more pain for myself I guess.

So that's what we did. My dad and I sat on the floor in front of the tree while his old and grumpy Pug, Ringo, crawled on my dad's lap and snorted not happy were making too much noise. The first one I reach for, is the one from my mom. My dad just sat next to me as I slowly unwrapped it. It's just a plain brown box, wrapped in Santa Paper wrapping. I tear it open and sigh out reaching in. On the very tip is an envelope. My dad's name is on it, with my mom's handwriting. I hand it to him quickly and he swallows hard, slowly opening it up. I reach in again, and feel something soft, and in a way very familiar. As I pull it out, I can only feel sadness coarse through my body. It's my old blankie.

"How did she get this?" I set it in my lap and run my fingers over it.

"When she left Loges…she must…she must have taken it. Your mother was sick Logan…" I turn to him and could see the tears on his face.

"Was?" He smiles and lifts the note.

"She said the doctors are telling her everyday how much better she's getting. She actually has a very nice room, with a view of the ocean. And thy let her have a mirror." I close my eyes and start to remember walking in the house at 8 years old and seeing my mother on the kitchen floor, with a slice to her neck, and her wrists. I open my eyes back up quick and wipe my face, trying my hardest not to let my dad see me crying. "Is there anything else?" I reach in and feel nothing. I shake my head and he sighs. "Well…then…open the one from your grandmother."

A horribly itchy sweater form grandma, a few girt cards, and about 500 bucks form my aunts and uncles later, my dad and I were sitting on the couch watching It's A Wonderful life with a fire cracking strong. I don't know why, but I have my blankie, in my lap. It smells like flowers. It smells like my mom. It makes me realize how much I do actually miss her. About 20 minutes into the movie, I hear my dad's snores and I take it as my cue to get up, and start making our gingerbread cookies.

I am followed by Ringo who thinks whenever someone walks in the kitchen he's going to get fed. Of course being as spoiled as he is, by my dad, he usually does. So just like always I reach up on the fridge and pull down his bag of treats. He sits down, the grey hairs around his mouth twitch and I toss him one. He catches it and walks out, slowly, back to my dad.

I let my mind, body and soul drift into a state where I don't know what I'm doing. I don't realize that after making the mix for the cookies and setting the timer that I'm just standing there watching the snow fall out in the backyard. It was hypnotizing. I got to thinking about when I left Kendall, how I went straight to Carlos who let me stay with him. He let me vent. He let me cool down and he told me it was for the best. I believed him. But the feelings racing through my body now, made me think differently. When James found out, he tried to convince me to go back to him, but I'm as stubborn as an ox. So after two months of living with Carlos, and being harassed by James everyday I decided to turn to the one guy I knew wouldn't let me down. My dad. And here I was. Sure, at 26, you should probably be on your own with your soul mate, planning the rest of your life, but it didn't work that way for me. And if I was this bad off, I could only imagine how Kendall must be doing.

Ding Dong. Ding Dong.

I snap out of my trance and realize the front door bell is ringing. I race out of the kitchen, se my dad still asleep on the couch, thankfully, and turn the corner to go to the front door. I open it quick and get hit with cold. Not just form the weather. Carlos and James are standing shoulder to shoulder in front, with…of course, Kendall behind them.

"merry Christmas Loges!" Carlos moves first and hugs me tight, but no contact form him,, or anyone else could tear my eyes away from Kendall. Carlos pulls away and there is a very obvious awkward silence around everyone.

"Uhm…Merry Christmas Logan." James offers his hand, and I just look at it. This is what he does? This is called being a friend? Shaking my hand on Christmas day? I look back up at his face and he sighs. "I don't get a Merry Christmas back?" I fell my head slowly shake back and forth and I can swear I see hurt in James's eyes.

"What…What are you guys…doing here?"

"It's Christmas dork! We always see each other on Christmas." I turn to Carlos who is trying desperately to keep James and I level headed. I force a smile but really just feeling like throwing up. "Do you mind if we come in? I'm freezing my balls off!"

"It just isn't Christmas without Carlos slurring profanity." We all turn to see my dad, holding Ringo who is growling, smiling. "Merry Christmas boys!" Carlos moves in first and hugs my dad, while being harassed by Ringo. Then James comes in, making sure not to even touch me. And just like that, they leave. They go further into the house and I'm left standing in front of Kendall. I look back at him and see he's wearing a black sweater with Rudolph on the front. His hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his black jeans. Even his boots are black. He looks like he's dropped some weight too.

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say and even if I did know what to say, I'm afraid it would just be vomit.

He sighed and stepped onto the porch, closing the distance between us. With every step he takes, it feel like my lungs are closing up, and every ounce of air is leaving my body. When he stops, I stop. I feel my eyes close and I hear myself gasping for air.

I'm surprised not to feel him holding me, comforting me. And when I open my eyes, I feel even worse seeing him completely unaffected by my ridiculous breathing issue.

"You look like hell." I have to hold in every urge to kick him square in the dick. "And somewhere I feel pity for you, but I cant find it right now." My sadness and lust I feel for him, is being replaced with anger and hatred. "You left me. Alone, cold and in the dark because ei had some issues. Now you get to have a taste of your own medicine."

"You wouldn't have had those issues if you hadn't gone 8 years ago, in the first place."

"I did not come here to fight. I came to wish you and your dad a Merry Christmas and give my best to both of you." He stepped closer and I had crane my neck to stare into those beautiful bright green eyes. "I'm not going to apologize for my choices anymore. And I will never let you hold me so high up just have em dropped ever again. I deserve better then you Logan Mitchell. And I will find better. I suggest you do the same, because I'm fine now. I have moved on. I have collected the pieces of my heart and put it back together. I have never felt any better in my entire life, and it's all because you walked out on me. So have a great life. I hope you find bliss and love." I felt the tears leaving my eyes as I watched his own tears fall freely. "You are forever going to remember me as the one that got away, because once I'm gone, I'm not coming back to you Logan. Ever."


	14. Chapter 14

**You Lost Me**

_**I feel like our world's been infected  
And somehow you left me neglected  
We've found our lives been changed  
Babe, you lost me**_

And we tried, oh how we cried  
We lost ourselves, the love has died  
And though we tried you can't deny  
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

**-Christiana Aguilera**

"I don't feel comfortable being here." He sighed and put the car in park. The big neon sign hung above us, making me feel that much more worse.

"Aren't you the one who said you needed to move on, and forget about him? Like you told him you had?" I turned to Carlos and he gave a small smile. "James and I have done enough. You and Logan have physically and emotionally worn us out. We are not going to try to fix either of you, if both of you don't want it, so you're going to put on your sexy face, and go get yourself a man!" He hit my leg and jumped out of his seat slamming the door shut behind him. I sighed and slowly got out, following him inside his bar. Well his and Logan's bar.

It has almost been a week since I left Logan standing on his porch crying and I didn't care. I still didn't care, but I'm not a very bitter person. I didn't want to go into his bar on New Year's Eve and rub salt in his wounds. He was pretty messed up, and I thought if I was here it would make it worse. But Carlos was pretty certain he wasn't even going to show up.

Even through the huge crowd of people, grinding on each other, drinking and laughing, I could still see him. He was standing next to his dad, who was talking with a pretty older lady. Logan excused himself from them and walked into Carlos. They started talking and I tried reading their lips but wasn't good at it. All I knew is Carlos pulled Logan in for a big huge and that was it. I turned, happy that at least Logan was putting himself back on his feet.

My destination was to find James. Even though I hated the idea, James told me he had a friend, and wanted me to meet him. I wasn't very fond of the idea of being hooked up with someone but I wasn't really against a one night stand either. When I saw James in the corner sitting at a table with his girlfriend, and a very attractive guy, I suddenly was really liking this idea. He was tall, built, dark brown hair spiked up a bit, light blue eyes and a beautiful smile.

James jumped up leaving his girlfriend with the guy and hugged em tight.

"I am so freaking glad you came!" I smiled and we pulled apart. "I want you to meet someone." I nodded and he walked me over to the table. "Uhm Nathan…this is Kendall, my friend I was telling you about. Kendall this is Nathan." I smiled warmly at him, and then gave James's girlfriend a hug. "Let's go dance babe!" He pulled her off her stool and they quickly walked to the floor. I smiled at him again and sat next to him.

"Nice to meet you Kendall. James has told me a lot about you." I blushed and shrugged off my jacket.

"Hopefully not everything." He laughed and I took notice of how perfect his teeth were. God he was handsome.

"He told me you were in the Navy." I nodded and he sipped from a glass, which I assumed had soda in it.

"I got back about 4 months ago." He nodded and I glanced around looking for Logan, even though I didn't want to see him.

"Yeah he also told em you just got out of a relationship. A long relationship." I turned to him quick and he gave a small smile. "Don't worry I'm not going to force you into anything." I smiled back and sighed shaking my head.

"It's hard to meet someone…someone who your best firmed says is perfect for you." He blushed like crazy and I loved seeing it. "I don't know what James told you, but…I don't really want to talk about it." He nodded and smiled.

"We don't have to. We don't' even have to talk." I raised an eyebrow and he smiled gulping down the rest of his drink.

"Oh we don't? What did you have in mind?" He put his glass down and got off the chair. He grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the table.

I was finally not thinking about Logan. I was finally at ease. I never knew someone other than Logan could make me feel so good. The way he looked at me. The way touched me, just made me feel like I was the only guy in the room. When he pulled me onto the dance floor and put his hands on my hips, and put my hands on his shoulders, I knew that I could be happy again. We danced for hours. We never took our eyes off each other. I was completely transfixed on him, and I never wanted this to end. Bu ti heard Carlos's voice and we both turned to see him standing on the bar.

"The countdown is going to start soon. This is the two minute warning. Everyone turn your attention to the flat screens and we'll watch the ball drop!" There were loud cheers around the whole bar and beer glasses were knocked together.

"Kendall…I need to tell you something, that's kind of hard for me." On no. Here it is…he's just looking for a one night stand. He wants nothing to do with me. That seemed to be going around lately. "I have a 9 year old son." I froze in my place, my hands still on his shoulders. "My best friend and her husband were trying desperately to have a baby but he didn't have a high enough count I guess…anyway I offered to help and they used me. When she gave birth to him, there was a complication and she died. Her husband wanted nothing to do with the kid so I took him as my own." My felt my mouth drop a little and he closed his eyes taking his hands off my hips. "I'm sorry if it ruined any chances I had with you. I just wanted you to know, before anything got to far." I swallowed hard and I was pushed hard and ran right into him. He caught me before I fell. We locked eyes again and I smiled.

"You didn't ruin anything…i…I don't care if you have a son. It doesn't make me think any different of you." A smile spread across his face and I leaned in closer. "In fact…it makes me that much more attracted to you." There was a light pink blush on his cheeks and I smiled.

"10…9…8…7…6" We turned to see the countdown and the ball dropping. As the numbers were chanted off, I turned back to him and when everyone around us yelled happy new year, I put a hand on the back of his head and pulled him in, kissing him softly. His hands moved to the small of my back, pulling me in and I let my body relax in his grasp, knowing he wasn't going to let me fall.

"Hey Kendall…oh sorry…" I pulled away and saw James and Carlos, looking anywhere but at us and I laughed.

"Happy new year's guys!" I hugged them both at the same time and looking behind them I saw Logan. He was staring at me. It looked like he has been staring probably saw me kiss Nathan. I could see him swallow hard and then turn quick gulping down a shot of something brown. I closed my eyes and let my friends hug around me.

When we pulled apart James moved over to Nathan telling him happy new years and Carlos stared at me. He was smiling but didn't look very happy.

"So…I mean…this is it?" I turned to see Nathan staring at me and turned back quick to Carlos. "You're happy with yours and Logan's relationship going down in history as a failed attempt at love and happiness."

"I thought you were done trying to fix it?" He stared blank at me for a minute and then chuckled.

"You're right Kendall. You go ahead and be with a guy who isn't Logan. I bet you'll be very happy." He turned and walked away pushing through the crowd.


	15. Chapter 15

**I Will Always Love You**

_**If I  
Should stay  
I would only be in your way  
So I'll go  
But I know  
I'll think of you every step of  
the way**_

_**Bittersweet  
Memories  
That is all I'm taking with me  
So good-bye  
Please don't cry  
We both know I'm not what you  
You need**_

_**-Dolly Parton**_

(so I think when you read this chapter…you should really listen to the song…and I had a huge debate with myself…I don't really like skipping ahead so much because I feel like you could get so much more information in but…I decided to skip ahead. I felt like it needed to happen for the story.)

THREE YEAR LATER

I watched him closely. He had no idea I was staring and I think if he did he would yell at me. Again. Tell me I'm being weird and make me go back to studying. Which I didn't want to do. I wanted to watch him cook. It was sexy as hell.

"Logan Mitchell." I put my head down fast, highlighter in hand. "You are about two seconds away from being banned to the bedroom." I looked up and smiled wickedly.

"Ooh…why? Cause I've been a bad boy?" He sighed and peered at the cook book on the counter. "If I had known med school would be this boring I wouldn't have done it." I picked my pen back up and continued taking my notes.

"You are going to be a great doctor someday, and you'll look back and thank me." I shook my head and he laughed.

"You're ego never ceases to amaze me handsome."

"I know. That's why I love me." I looked up and he blew me a kiss. "Okay break time. Dinner's ready." I smiled wide and jumped up running into the kitchen and tackling him into the fridge. He just giggled and wrapped around my neck, kissing into my hair. I shoved my hand into his pants emitting a moan from him. Needless to say…we didn't eat much dinner.

It was hard waking up the next morning. I was a little sore, but just too tired to want to go through the day. I got myself ready though and gently kissed Sean's head before walking out.

I walked into the Starbucks I usually sat at every morning, shivering like always.

"The usual?" The cute girl behind the counter beamed at me and I nodded.

"Of course Natalie. You're a doll." She smiled and I put a ten dollar bill on the counter. "And keep the change." She smiled and went to work on my Mocha coffee. I leaned against the counter and heard the door open but didn't turn around.

"I want a hot chocolate! And a blueberry muffin for the car ride to school!" I smiled hearing the little kid bouncing around and a hearty laugh behind me.

"Okay but you have to promise you won't tell dad. He doesn't want you having so much sugar." That voice…it was…it was Kendall. I turned slowly and sure enough, there he was. He pulled his beanie off, looking at the menu, not noticing me. I saw the kid looking up at me, curiously, and he tugged on Kendall's arm. Kendall turned his attention away and we locked eyes. "Logan…" I let out a sharp breath and he sucked in an even sharper one.

"Logan? You're Mocha's done…" I turned quick grateful to be out of his line of vision. I walked to Natalie who was giving me a weird look. I took the cup from her and then froze there. I didn't realize I would have to face him again. I turned slowly and he was still staring at me.

"Logan…"

"It was good to see you Kendall. I need to get to school." My voice was fast and icy. I walked out past him and back into the cold winter air. I breathed out hard…three years…it's been three years since I even though about Kendall…and there he was. I hurried out, not looking where I was going, just trying to get to my car. What I didn't see was the truck, sliding towards me. I heard his horn honking, which made me turn to see it screaming towards me. I couldn't move though, and before I knew it my body instantly felt a burning sensation running through it. It started at my hip and went to my legs. Then raced back up and I felt a bash to my head. It went black but my senses were still working.

"Logan!" I heard fast footsteps and when I slowly opened my eyes I saw the black rubber of a tire. I heard an engine get cut. "What the hell is your problem?! Why didn't you stop?!" I saw black boots and the felt my body being slowly turned. "Logan? Can you hear me?" I was put on my back and the burning sensation intensified and I let out a blood curtailing scream. I felt Kendall's hand on my face and heard more footsteps. "Logan?!" I opened my eyes and saw him leaning over me, tears pouring out of his eyes.

"Kendall…" He bent down closer and I smiled. I was actually seeing him. After so long…here he was. It was just a shame I was probably going to die. "I'm…I'm sorry." He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Please…please don't Logan…"

"Kendall?" He turned quick and let go of my face with one hand to wipe his own face free of tears.

"Go back inside Sammy. Call your dad alright?" I lifted my head slightly to see the kid, nod and back away looking terrified. I put my head back down and closed my eyes.

"He's…a cute kid." Kendall's hand was back on my face and it warmed me. Not just the skin, but my soul. Like whatever happened after this point…it didn't matter. He was here with me regardless of the situation. "I never meant to hurt you…"

"Logan stop please. I…I don't like hearing you talk like that." I opened my eyes and raised an arm. I put my hand on his face and he sobbed out a little.

"You have to know that I left you because I was scared." He put his head down and cried out. "I didn't want to end up like my parents. I…I have never had to take care of someone. I watched what that did to my dad…always having to watch my mom…it…it destroyed him." He got closer to me, and I could see the tears on his eyelashes. "I hope…he's been treating you right. You deserve someone…someone great Kendall."

"Logan please stop…" I closed my eyes and felt a stinging sensation in my lungs. My breathing became pained, and it almost felt like the air was being slowly sucked out of my body. My other hand felt around and I found his jeans. I grabbed a handful, squeezing it, trying to get my breathing under control. "Logan?...what's wrong?" I heard a gasp escape my mouth.

"I…I can't breathe." My eyes slowly opened and his face looked panicked and worried. "Kendall…I love you. I have always loved you. I always will love you." He shook his head and I could feel my body slowly sinking into a pit of darkness and nothing ness.

_**I hope  
life treats you kind  
And I hope  
you have all you've dreamed of  
And I wish you joy  
and happiness  
But above all this  
I wish you love**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Details In The Fabric**

_**Calm down  
Deep breaths  
And get yourself dressed instead  
Of running around  
And pulling on your threads  
And breaking yourself up**_

If it's a broken part, replace it  
If it's a broken arm, then brace it  
If it's a broken heart, then face it

_**Hang on  
Help is on the way  
And stay strong  
I'm doing everything**_

Hold your own  
Know your name  
And go your own way  
Hold your own  
Know your name  
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine  
Everything

_**-Jason Mraz**_

No matter how hard I tried to stop the tears I couldn't. I knew it was freaking out Sammy. I know he was curious as to why I was so upset about a guy he didn't even know I knew. I wanted to tell him, I just didn't know how. This is why I was happy to see James and Carlos run into the hospital searching for me. I stood up wiping my face and Carlos spotted me first. They ran over to me and I really broke down then. James pulled me in for a tight hug, but all I really wanted was to have Logan holding me. I took the comfort anyway.

"It's okay bud…he's going to be fine…" I tugged on the back of his jacket sobbing hard into his chest. He didn't know that for sure because he didn't see Logan on the ground, blood gushing out of his head, and his body almost…bent. I knew he had a few broken bones and paramedics said his lungs might have been punctured which would explain his breathing problems. I heard Carlos move over and sit next to Sammy and everything hit me. I had to stay strong. Not just for me and Logan but for Sammy. I gently pushed off James and wiped my face. I turned and saw Sammy staring up at me, near tears.

"Are you okay Kendall?" I forced a smile and moved to sit next to him. I pulled him into me and hugged around him.

"I'm…I'm alright buddy." James took the seat next to me and I felt safe. Just as I was getting myself to calm down, Nathan walked in. He spotted us quick and ran over. I let go of Sammy who ran to his dad and hugged around his waist.

"Kendall…what the hell happened?" I stood up, the water works starting up again and he walked to me. He reached out and I pushed into him, He wrapped an arm around my back and kissed my head. Yes I loved him and I loved that he was here for me…but he just wasn't Logan.

Nathan managed to get me to sit down but still held me. James and Carlos decided to take Sammy to the cafeteria to grab some food. As he started walking away, Carlos turned.

"Did someone call Sean?" I sat up, and stared at him. His cheeks got red and he looked down. "His boyfriend." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'll call him." He walked away quickly and Nathan grabbed the sides of my face.

"What happened?" I opened my eyes and rubbed my nose.

"I went to Starbucks…to get some coffee and something for Sammy to eat before I took him to school." He nodded running a hand through my hair. "Logan was there…it was awkward and when he got his drink he left fast." I looked down and shook my head. "He wasn't watching where he was going, and the truck was sliding on the ice." I looked up back up and he looked genuinely concerned. "He was hit. I watched…I watched his body fly a little, and then hit his head hard on the ground. There was so much blood…coming out of his head…I..." He pulled me in close and pet the back of my head.

"Shh…it's alright. He's going to be okay." I really wished everyone would stop telling me that. What if he wasn't going to be?

We sat in silence for only 5 minutes before a man, a very attractive tall, buff man ran in.

"Where is Logan Mitchell? Please he was hit by a car…I need to see him." I slowly got up, leaving Nathan and walked to the man who was desperately trying to get a nurses attention.

"Sean?" He turned and looked up and down my body quickly. I looked down too and saw the blood. "I'm…I'm Kendall. I…Logan is in surgery…" I looked back up and he was crying.

"Is…was he bleeding a lot?" I only could nod and he closed his eyes, turning away and running his hands through his hair. He started pacing and I got a better look at him. He had tattoo's running up his neck and I could see a sleeve on his right arm. He had some pretty thick gages in his ears, and jet black hair. He was tall, only a few inches taller than me. He had a nice butt, but I didn't stare long. "You were there with him?" I looked back up at his face and nodded. "Why?"

"We…we were at the Starbucks. He was leaving as I got there. He wasn't looking where he was going." He chuckled and sat down in the closest seat.

"Figures…" He put his head in his hands and I slowly walked to the seat next to him. "Did someone call his dad?"

"Yeah…the nurses took care of it when we got here." He looked up and sat back. The more I looked at this guy the more attractive he got. He was like, drop dead gorgeous. Good for Logan.

"Did he say anything?" We locked eyes and I swallowed hard. My throat was suddenly very dry.

"Yeah…he said…" I paused and his eyes were drawing me in. I couldn't tell him the truth. It would probably crush the guy. "He wanted you to know he loves you." He squeezed his eyes and turned away, crying. I reached out cautiously and put a hand on his shoulder. "He's going to be okay Sean." He nodded but still cried. I heard running and turned to see Sammy charging down the hall with a bottle of water in hand. James and Carlos were behind him and when they saw me, James stopped but Carlos rushed forward.

"Sean?!" Sean jumped up, and Carlos pulled him in for a big bear hug. "He's going to be alright Sean." I stood up and gave a friendly pat to Sean's back. I smiled weakly at Carlos and walked back over to Nathan, who was talking to James, while Sammy flipped through a magazine.

"So…that's Logan's boyfriend?" I nodded while sitting next to Nathan who took my hand. "He alright?" I sigh and nod again.

"Yeah he's okay. Better than I was."

"Well you did see him get hit." I lock eyes with Nathan and he smiled leaning in and softly kissing my lips. When we pull apart I see James staring me down. I sigh and look at him grabbing Nathans hand and locking our fingers together.

"What James?"

"It's been three years since you've seen the kid…I mean…what's going through your mind?" I sit back and Nathan gives him a dirty look.

"Leave him alone James. He just saw Logan be hit by a truck."

"I know but…" Nathan puts up his hand and shakes his head.

"But nothing. Whatever happens between Kendall and Logan is there business not ours." I turn to Nathan and he shrugs his shoulders. "It's true. And whatever you do, I support. If that means you guys start talking again, and become friends. So be it. If you don't want to see him again, so be it."

How did I get that freaking lucky to have him? He was understanding, and wasn't pushing me either way. Sure I had to think about it. There was no way I could deny my feelings for Logan if we started being friends again. Especially after he told me how he felt, and the reason he left me in the first place. Did I feel like the biggest douche alive? Hell yes. I made him feel like shit. I treated him like he meant nothing to me, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. All I wanted was to have my Logan back.

"Kendall Knight?" I shot up quick and saw a doctor holding a chart. "You were the one who came with Logan Mitchell?" I nodded and walked to him. Sean was standing too and I saw the clock behind him. I had been off thinking for almost an hour. "Well I have terrific news." I sighed out relieved and he smiled. "Logan suffered severe head trauma to his head. He had to get 17 stiches in his forehead but he will be fine." I nodded and felt Sean next to me. "He also broke his back and a few ribs. A part of a broken rib broke off and punctured his left lung. He's breathing through a tube right now, and we had to go in to fix his lung, but in two weeks he'll be breathing healthy as ever." I nodded and the doctor flipped through some charts. "He is awake, eh knows what happens, and has a full memory, which we were afraid he would have lost with the hit to the head." I heard a sharp breath from Sean but continued looking at the doctor. "He is asking to see you. Please only one at a time." I nodded and he smiled big at me and Sean and walked away. I turned slowly and Sean was staring at me. He smiled and nodded.

"You go see him first. It's alright." I nodded and quickly followed the doctor. He led me down a few halls until we stopped in front of a closed door. He opened it and all I saw was darkness. When I stepped in, I saw one light on by his bed, that barely illuminated his room, let alone his face. I could however see the stiches on his head, and the part of his hair that was shaven away. His face was turned so he was looking at the closed blinds.

"Logan?" He turned slowly but as soon as we made eye contact, he tried pushing himself up. "Take it easy." The doctor put his chart on the end of the bed, and walked to him. He snapped the light on by his bed and it shinned brighter. "I'll have a nurse in, in a few to give you your pain medication." Logan nodded at the doctor who walked out, smiling at me. When the door shut I walked over to his bed and just stood there, standing over him. He laid back and raised his hand closest to me. I reached out slowly, and dragged my fingertips over his palm. He closed his eyes and I sat on the very edge of the bed, letting his fingers lace with mine.

"You…" He opened his eyes and I shook my head. "You scared the hell out of me." He nodded and with my free hand I reached up, pushing some hair off his forehead. "How do you feel?" He shrugged his shoulders and sighed out.

"This tube is so uncomfortable in my nose." He reached up with his other hand but I quickly stopped him.

"It's helping you breath Logan." He closed his eyes and sighed nodding. "I met Sean." He kept his eyes closed and turned his head to face away from me. "He is...like really hot." He snapped back to me and I laughed. "I mean…bravo." He rolled his eyes and small smile appeared on his face. "He's worried sick about you…I should go get him to see you." As I got up, he squeezed weakly around my hand.

"Wait…Kendall I said a lot of stupid things didn't I?" I pause and nod my head. "I meant every single word." I sit back down and he reaches up with his other hand, and rests it on my shoulder. "I know we both have someone, and I can say I'm happy with him and I think you're happy with yours, right?" I nod and he smiles. "Well that doesn't mean we can't be friends."

"I agree." He breaths out kind of painfully and the door opens. A nurse in light blue scrubs walks in holding a tray.

"Time for some pain killers Logan." Logan groaned and I laughed getting up.

"Let me go get Sean."


	17. Chapter 17

**Edge Of Desire**

_**so young and full of running  
all the way to the edge of desire  
steady my breathing  
silently screaming  
I have to have you now**_

wired and I'm tired  
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor  
baby this mattress will spin on its axis  
and find me on yours

don't say a word  
just come over and lie here with me  
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
there I just said it  
I'm scared you'll forget about me

**-John Mayor**

(I had to do this song…it really works for this chapter and I mean…come on…it's like the official Kogan song. )

"You look so cute right now." I chuckle and let him run his hand through my hair. "Three more days and you can come home, and I can take care of you myself." I roll my eyes and turn my head.

"I think I'm highly capable of leaving right now. These doctors are morons."

"These doctors saved your life." I turned back to him and he has a smug grin on his face. I reach up and pinch the skin under his arm. "Owe! You big bully!" He bent down quick and captures my lips in his. This is what I was waiting for. Both of my hands hold the back of his head as he forces his tongue inside my mouth. One of his hands is gently holding my neck and tracing his thumb along my jaw line. There is a fire burning in my lungs but I ignore it. I don't want to stop kissing him. My body thinks otherwise.

I pull away and turn my head quickly. My coughing fit is harsh and burns my throat.

"Shit…I'm sorry. I forgot you can't breathe very well." I cover my mouth and groan. "You need some water?" I shake my head and he puts a hand on my leg, very close to my crotch. When I finally stop coughing, I'm wheezing but I can live with that.

"Okay…get back down here…" I try pulling me back to my lips but he laughs and shakes his head.

"You are nuts Logan Mitchell." I groan and he gets off the bed, unzipping his sweater and throwing it on the chair in the corner. "I brought you some food."

"Oh thank God!" I push myself up and he laughed opening a picnic basket. "You brought it in a picnic basket?" He nods and pulls out a red and white checkered blanket. He unfolds it and gently puts it over my white blanket.

"Now its like were on a date." I laughed and sit back watching him pull out different containers of food. H even has a plastic vase with real roses in it that he sets on the table by my bed.

"You are too much Sean. This is…absolutely adorable. And you…are the best chef around so I know this is going to be an excellent meal." He laughs pulling up a chair and sits next to me handing me a paper plate.

"I thought being in the hospital for a week and a half, you'd be sick of the gross food and want some of mine." I nodded and he put a piece of fried chicken on my plate.

"You didn't have to go through all of this babe…" He only shook his head and chuckled. "You spoil me." He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow.

"You should be spoiled." I sigh and lean forward. He stands up and kisses my lips softly, not getting heated. I hear the door open, but I don't pull away.

"Oh sorry." Sean pulls away and looks to the door. I know who it is and just sit back. "I can come back…"

"NO Kendall…don't worry come on in!" Sean waves him over and I hear the door shut.

"Sorry to interrupt, I was just checking up on him." I finally turn and he smiles at me. "How you doing?" He stands by the foot of the bed and I shrug my shoulders.

"Well I finally got some decent food." I point to it on the bed and I can see Sean blushing.

"OH that's right. You own that restaurant downtown…" Sean nods and his modesty is coming out.

"He is the best chef in town." Sean glares at me and I laugh.

"I'm totally interrupting like something special aren't i?" I turn to Kendall and can see he's awkward.

"No don't worry about it Kendall…" Sean's cut short by a ringing form his pocket and he sighs pulling it out. He reads something and groans. "Shit…I have to go into work." I sit up and he shakes his head. "I am so sorry baby." He leans into me kissing my lips and then my forehead. "I will make it up to you, I promise." I nod and smile but I am not happy. He straightens out and puts his jacket on. "Sorry to leave when you got here Kendall."

"Hey it's alright. You got to work right?" They smile at each other and I lay back turning away from Sean. I fell one more kiss, right under my stiches and he moves it down to my ear.

"I love you so much Logan." I nod and he gets up, walking to the door. "Why don't you eat with him Kendall. I don't want it going to waist." I watch Kendall turn to him and Sean smiles before walking out. Kendall turns back to me and shakes his head.

"I can go if you want…if this is too…weird." I laugh and point to the seat Sean was sitting in.

"You think I want to sit here and eat tell I look pregnant all by myself." He shook his head laughed but walked to the seat anyway.

As we begin to eat, neither of us saying much we keep looking at each other and in the back of my mind, I'm telling myself I would be better if he was in my bed with me. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself because Sean had to go to work. Whatever the reason, the more I stare at him the more I wished I could take back the three past years and fix him like he asked me too help him with.

"Damn he is a good chef." I can only nod, barely, and he starts cleaning up. "You have definitely caught a good one." I sit up and slowly and painfully cross my legs. He watches me carefully and I wave him off.

"I'm fine. Just sore." He nodded and put everything away. When he sits back down I can see it in his face that he's holding something back. "Why'd you really come here?" He laughed and started blanket with the blanket on my bed.

"What I can't come visit my friend in the hospital?" I snort and he laughs with me. "I…know we both decided that the friends thing was going to work for us…but…" He looks down and laughs again. "I thought I was going to seriously lose you last week Logan. Do you know how bad that fucked with my head? I mean Jesus Christ! I'm almost 30 fucking years old, and I'm still hung up on my high school boyfriend!" I watch him stand up and he starts pacing. "When you told me everything, before I thought you died…I told myself and I told God that I would take you back no matter what. Fuck the fact that we both have boyfriends. Fuck everything that's gone on between us. I want you Logan, and it drives me crazy to know that for the second time I let you slip through my fucking fingers!" He turns back to me. "Why for the love of God Logan did you have to say all of that shit?"

"Well I actually don't remember what I told you…" he throws up his arms and continues to pace. "And if I recall correctly, you move don pretty damn fast after we broke up…the second time." I lay back feeling my chest burning. He's making me hurt, but in a very good way. It was becoming difficult to breath but I wasn't going to let that stop me. "What did I say to you?" He stood at the very foot of my bed.

"You told me the reason you left me was because you were scared we'd end up like you're parents. You told me you've always loved him and you always will love me." He walked to the right side of my bed and stopped very close to me. "Do you know what that does to me? To know that for the past three years, we could have been together, maybe married, had a few kids. That we could have been happy? I know…were both happy with Sean and Nathan but…he is not you Logan."

"So what do you want me to do? Break up with him and leave him high and dry? That's not fair to him or Nathan Kendall. Sean is a good guy." He bent over and his face was inches form mine. I lick my lips, my whole mouth dangerously dry.

"I want you to tell me you don't love me anymore so I can get some sleep at night." His green eyes are glistening and it's making me weak. "I want you to scream at me and tell em you hate me for leaving you so long ago. I want to hear you say I broke you're heart and you never want em back again." He's absolutely nuts. Why would I say that? "Tell me Logan!" I close my eyes and shake my head, very slowly. "No. You cant tell me any of that?" I shake my head again and as I open my eyes he leaning into me. Our lisp touch and a fire is started in my body. I quickly reach up grabbing his face and pulling him in deeper.

His lisp feel amazing against mine and I literally am floating on cloud nine. I can't stop it, even though I know how wrong it is. But I don't' have to worry about it being stopped. He pulls away fast and pulls out his phone. I hear a slight vibration and he sighs turning away.

"Hello? Hey babe…" I sit back up and rub my chest. "No yeah…I'm at the hospital with Logan. Sean had to go to work…uhm yeah. I can do that. Okay. Love you too. Bye." He put his phone back in his pocket but continued to face away from me.

"What the hell is that?" I hear him laugh and I turn away.

"That was a conversation with my boyfriend."

"I didn't mean that jerk." I'm quiet and I hear him turn around. "You kissed me."

"You kissed back. In fact you practically mouth fucked me." I sit up quick, mouth open and he smiles. "I'm not saying I'm upset at that I'm just as surprised as you are."

"So now what?" He shrugged his shoulders and walks over to me, sitting on the edge of my bed, taking my hand in his.

"Now we go on with our lives, loving the men we have, and let fate deal with things."

"Kendall…that's like highly irresponsible…" I get cut off by him kissing me again and groan in his lips. When he pulls away he gets off the bed and walks to the door.

"I will call you later tonight, and see you tomorrow. I have to pick up some cold medicine for Sammy." I nod and he sighs. "I love you Logan." He stares at me and I sit up smiling.

"I love you too Kendall."


	18. Chapter 18

**If It Kills Me**

_**How long, can I go on like this,  
Wishing to kiss you,  
Before I rightly explode?  
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me  
In fact it makes me nervous  
If I get caught I could be risking it all**_

_**If I should be so bold  
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand  
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man  
But I never said a word  
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again**_

All I really wanna do is love you  
A kind much closer than friends use  
But I still can't say it after all we've been through  
And all I really want from you is to feel me  
As the feeling inside keeps building  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me

_**-Jason Mraz**_

"_Hey Kendall…uhm it's Logan if you couldn't figure that out form my number, or my voice…uhm…wow I am just…okay I'm calling because tonight Sean wanted to know if you and Nathan and Sammy would like to come over for dinner? I guess Sean and Nathan didn't really get a chance to meet each other and now that we're friends, Sean wants us all to be friends…which if you ask me is like…beyond fucking awkward but…just…call me back if you guys want to…I'll talk to you later. I…I love you." _

I hang up the phone and sit up setting my cell on the night stand. I let out a low sigh and rub my eyes. Dinner with Sean, Logan and Nathan. On the outside I was all for it, because I would be able to see Logan. But on the inside…I knew it was just going to be an absolute disaster. And I know as soon as I bring it up with Nathan he will want to go.

But what the hell is with the I love you bullshit? Yeah I said it to him as I left his room last week. After I kissed him, and he kissed back…and then I kissed him again. But you can't tell someone you love them, after saying you're just friends. That's just…confusing!

"What are you doing up?" Nathan's hand rubs against my lower back, sending shivers up and down my entire body. "Babe the suns not even up and your little heater of a body was keeping me warm." I turn my head slightly and smile down at him. His eyes are half open and he looks adorable. I sigh and lay back down lifting up my left arm. He dives in quick and snuggles against my body. His stubble on his face itches my chest but I don't mind too much. "So why are you awake?"

"I heard my phone ringing." He nods and starts running a hand over my stomach, and easing its way down to the top of my boxers. "But I missed it and I was listening to my voicemail."

"Oh yeah? Who was it?" He pushes his hand in my boxers and I close my eyes moaning out.

"Logan…We have been invited to dinner at their place." His fingertips grazed over the tip of my limp cock. "Uhh…do you want to?" He palms down my length and starts kissing at me chest.

"Sammy too?"

"Nope we got to leave the smelly kid here." I feel him push off my chest and I open my eyes. I laugh and he rolls his eyes, leaning in. "Of course Sammy too…" His lips push hard into mine and I melt under his touch.

He pulls away only for a second to pull my boxers…no, rip my boxers off my body. He throws them to the floor, and I sit up pushing his shirt off. That gets thrown to floor as well and I pull him on top of me. We start kissing again while I try pushing his sweats off. He pushes me roughly down and trails his kisses down my neck and I push my hands, in the back of his sweat pants and rub his bare butt.

"So are we going?" He nods his head and I roughly squeeze his butt pushing his face back up to my lips.

By the time I get to work, Sammy jumping out of the car running off to his group of friends, I pull out my phone. I can see my assistant coach opening up the rink with some of the kids already in uniform ready for practice. I loved coaching hockey, especially at Sammy's school. Sammy wasn't interested in it, but he did always come with Nathan to support.

I dial Logan's number and sit back putting the phone to my ear. It rings a few times before he finally answers.

"Hello?" My heart melts a little hearing his sweet voice and I close my eyes. "Kendall?"

"Oh uhm…sorry. Hey Loges." I clear my throat and lean forward. "So Nate and I are going to come over tonight for dinner….if you guys still want us…or whatever?" I bang my head on steering wheel hating how awkward I sound. He laughs and I bang my head again.

"Yeah the offer is still on the table." He goes quiet and I feel ridiculous. I literally felt like I was in high school again. Only Logan could do that to me. "It won't be weird…will it?" I sit up and put my head back.

"That depends. Does Sean know we…kissed?"

"No." We both go quiet and I start thinking I should just hang up. "Does Nathan?"

"No."

"Then…we should be fine. I mean…there's no reason why they have to know…right?" I smile, not sure why though. For as long as I've known Logan he's never been the bad boy type. And hiding a kiss with his ex from his boyfriend was like the epitome of bad boy.

I trudge through the day, hoping and wishing it would go by slow, so I wouldn't have to face tonight. I have a small problem of folding under pressure. I don't mean to…it just happens. But of course the day goes by fast and ay 5, Sammy and I walk into the house. Nathan is already home, and already dressed apparently.

"Sammy go get cleaned up bud. We're going out for dinner." Sammy drops his bag and tears off his coat leaving them in the middle of the living room. He runs faster than I could have imagined up the stairs, and seconds later the bathroom door is slammed shut. "How was work?" He kisses my cheek and I manage a smile.

5:45 and Sammy's in the back seat while Nathan's in the passenger seat as I drive to Sean and Logan's apartment. I tried to go as slow as I could but we got there sooner then I wanted. We walk up three flights of stairs and walk around until we find 3M. I nervously raise my fist and knock.

"Coming!" Logan's voice makes me smile and I fell Nathan grab my hand and squeeze it. I hear something…odd and when the door opens, I hold back the laughter. "Yeah, yeah laugh it up Knight." I smile wide and he rolls his eyes moving out of the way, well trying to. He's on crutches, with a back brace on, and if I ever thought he was nerdy before, he looked like the classic nerd now. But he still looked…fucking perfect. I let Nathan and Sammy walk in first while I looked over Logan. He was wearing glasses that made his brown eyes pop out a little. His stiches are still in his head, but some of his hair is growing back in the part they had to shave. He's wearing a plain white shirt with a pair of regular blue jeans, and no shoes or socks. "Welcome to our abode!" Nathan who, was glancing around the front turned and gave Logan a hug as best he could. I catch eyes with Logan who is smiling wide.

"How are you doing Logan?" They pull apart and Logan shrugs his shoulders.

"I wouldn't recommend being hit by a truck." Nathan laughs a little but I can see he doesn't find it funny. I have never noticed it before but Nathan…kind of has a dry sense of humor.

"You're not funny Mitchell." We all turn seeing Sean walk out tossing a dish towel over his shoulder. "Hi I'm Sean." He extends his hand to Nathan who grabs it and they smile at each other shaking.

"Nice to meet you Sean. I'm Nathan and this is my son Sam." Everyone turns their attention to Sam who beams up at everyone.

"Hi Sam! Nice to meet you!" Sean extends his hand but Sam just raises his. Sean laughs and gives him a high five instead. "Let me show you guys around." Nathan follows Sean, with Sam behind and I stepped to follow. One of Logan's crutch is raised and he puts it against the wall blocking me way. I turn to him eyebrows raised and he's just staring at me.

"What?" He sighs and lowers the crutch only to point it to a dark hallway. He starts walking to it and I follow. He stops in the middle and turns. I hear talking and laughter in a faraway part of the house and I stand in front of Logan. "What Logan?" But he doesn't say anything. Instead he pulls me in. Roughly. Our lips collide and like the first time I ever kissed him, I never wanted it to stop. I hear a tiny moan escape my throat and push into him. I hear him collide with the wall and I put both hands up beside his head. He's tugging at my jacket, pulling me forward, while trying to stay standing on the crutches.

"Hey Logan? Can you bring out that extra chair?" He pulls away and sighs out, gasping for air.

"Uhm…yeah I'll have Kendall grab it." I never stopped kissing him. Now I'm just sucking on his neck. "Don't you dare leave a mark…" His voice is now lower and that much sexier. I feel both of his hands run up the back of my neck and run up through my hair. He gently pulls on me and I push off his neck. We lock eyes and he still is breathing kind of hard. "I have been wanting…waiting for that all week." I smile and lean forward kissing his cheek. His hands go back down to his crutches and he straightens out.

"You okay?" He laughs and nods looking down.

"I thought that my chest and my lungs were burning because of my new found asthma problem, but it's just because of you." I push forward and put my forehead on his. "What are we going to do Kendall?" I close my eyes and shake my head.

"I don't know yet…but we'll figure it out. I promise." He nods against me and I push away from the wall. "Now let's go have some dinner."


	19. Chapter 19

**Two Rebels**

_**I know you're scared  
Everybody get's a little bit of stage fright  
But when prepared and the mood is set  
And it's coming together just right  
What should we do now that we're  
Caught in the middle of the spotlight?  
I can feel your butterflies  
If we kiss will they fly away?**_

_**-Honor Society**_

I looked up at the ceiling hearing the sink in the bathroom run. I felt a vibration form my sweat pants pocket and pulled my phone out quick.

"_Hot Chocolate? –K" _I smiled and nodded and then laughed. I quickly put in my response and then shoved my phone back in my pocket.

"You better be lying down when I get back out there!" I laughed out loud and he sighed.

"You do realize I'm almost 30 years old right?"

"So…you're stubborn as shit. You should be lucky I'm not calling a babysitter." I rolled my eyes and sighed out, very loudly. "Don't sass me punk!" I giggled and felt another vibration.

"_Did you know fucking gas got raised again? –K" _I laugh and reply back. I hear the floor creak and stick my phone back in my pants without responding. Sean walks out pulling on a sweater and walking to the front door.

"Are you sure you don't' want em to stay?" I groan and he walks over to me. "Babe you just got out of the hospital a week ago. I don't like leaving you home alone." He sits on the coffee table and folds his hands together.

"I already told you, James and Carlos might be stopping by later."

"Might…" I slowly and painfully push myself up and he sighs reaching for me. I push him away and sigh.

"Just go babe. I can take care of myself. You're the one who brings the bacon home, and what happens when you don't go to work? No bacon." He giggles and sits up.

"Fine you stubborn jerk." He bent down and kissed the top of my head. "I love you." He straightens up and turns.

"I love you to." I quickly slap his butt, in his tight black jeans. He jumps up but keeps walking.

I wait five whole minutes before pulling out my phone.

"_Just left…-L."_

"_Down the street. Give me two minutes. –K."_

"_Let yourself in. –L." _I toss my phone on the coffee table and lay back sighing out. Did I like sneaking around Sean's back? No, but dinner last night made em realize something. I want Sean, but I need Kendall. I mean he sat next to me at the table and would occasionally run his hand over my thigh, just to make sure I knew he was there. He made em feel safe and secure and made me feel special. Not that Sean didn't do any of those things it…it's just different with Kendall.

"Knock, Knock!" I smile and sit up. The front door open and Kendall…my beautiful sweet gorgeous Kendall walks in. He has a cup in one hand his other hand squeezed into his front pocket.

"Cold?" He glares at em and pushes the door shut with his butt. He takes off his beanie and tosses it on the coffee table before sitting on the table. His face is a little red form the cold and I can see Goosebumps on his neck, well the parts not covered by his scarf.

"It's only 20 degrees out this morning." He hands me the cup and I scrunch my brows.

"Where's yours?" He laughs and shrugs off his coat.

"I drank it on the way here. I actually have to piss." He stands up but bends down, kissing my head. He throws his jacket on the back of the couch and disappears down the hall.

The guilt I was worried about feeling had vanished and I suddenly didn't care if Sean came back suddenly. I just wanted to hear Kendall's voice, see Kendall's face, and feel him touch me. I didn't care what the cost would be.

"Holy shit I am pretty sure my dick almost got frozen off." I watch him walk out, zipping up his pants and I laugh sitting up. and he takes his seat back on the coffee table. "How are you feeling today?" I grin and turn my body so my legs are between his. I put my hands on his knees, and he scoots closer.

"I feel a hell of a lot better now." He half smiles and slowly leans in. Our lips touch and it's all down hill form there.

After making out for only 5 minutes maybe I realize he's on his knees, hands on my waist. I'm holding his face for dear life, and continue to hold it when I pull away to catch my breath. I keep my eyes closed as he pushes completely into my body. He rests his head on my shoulder and moves his hands slowly up my back. I move my hands down his chest until I stop at the top of jeans. I tuck a few fingers inside and sigh out. I rest my head on his shoulder and he kiss my shoulder through my shirt.

"Why aren't you wearing you're brace?" I turn my head and push my face into the crook of his neck.

"My back isn't hurting. I only wear it if I walking around, or doing something major." I place a soft kiss to the skin of his neck and his hands move from my back, onto my hips and then slowly…very slowly, move down my thighs. "Kendall?" I give another kiss to his neck and he moves his hands back up my thighs.

"Yea?" I close my eyes tight and breath out hard.

"I…I want you."

"You have me." I turn my head away from his skin, because I'm afraid if I take in his scent or kiss his soft skin, or even see it, I might explode.

"No…that's not what I mean. I…want you. Right now." He stops moving completely and I smile. Finally I catch him off guard and not the other way around.

"You're hurt." I chuckle and he pushes away. He sits on his feet keeping his hands on my thighs. "Can you?" I smile and nod. He shakes his head and looks down, making designs on my legs with his fingertips. "How are you and what have you done with my goodie two shoes, sweet innocent Logie Bear?"

"He grew up." He looked up at me and I nod again. "And he had to live the past three years of his life without the man he loves. The man of his dreams…his…his everything. I don't care how wrong it is. I don't and if it made you feel better I'd call Sean right now and end it, and tell him the truth. All of it. Just…just let me have you. Right now." I didn't even hear his response. He was attacking my face again with his lips and gently and slowly trying to undress me. I stood up, dragging him with me by the face and turned us around. I pushed him down on the couch and threw off my shirt. I let him pull my sweats down, and was happy I went commando.

"Oh Logie…" He moaned out and I bit my bottom lip. He stood up fast, tugging off his sweater and shirt, and then pushing off his jeans and boxers. He just let them pool at his ankles and sat back down quick. "Come here baby…" I carefully and slowly get on his lap and he gently held my hips. "You okay?" I nod and put my hands on his shoulders. "Prep?" I shake my head and he chuckles sitting back. "Typical Logan."

"Shut up jerk…" I reach down and grab ahold of his cock. I stroke it a couple of times and he groans out closing his eyes. I lick my lips and slowly go down on him, both of us moaning like wild animals. "Fuck…I forgot how big you are…" He sits up, still holding my hips and pushes up into me. I fall forward, letting his body catch me. I rest my head on his shoulder and grab both of his forearms.

Everything goes by slowly. My back is screaming at me, and so are my lungs but the pleasure Kendall is giving me, is just too over powering. He's touching me with his hands and his lips, but the one hand stroking my dick is what really gets me going. His lips, are touching all over my collar bone. There are tiny bites along my chest and it feels amazing. And that's when I cum. All over his stomach and my stomach. I'm pretty sure my screams are heard in the entire apartment building but I don't care.

"Shit…get up for a second." I lift, letting Kendall pull out of me and he starts stroking his own dick and then. "Aww fuck!" He falls back and he cums all over his stomach. He's panting hard, eyes closed, sweat glistening on his forehead. "God damn-it Logan…" I smile and slowly get off his lap. I sit back, right next to him. Letting out fingers lace together.

"Yeah…that was amazing." He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. "You are very messy sir."

"You're fault." I turn to him mouth open and he laughs sitting up. he grabs the box of Kleenex off the table and takes out two handing them to me. I wipe my stomach while he does the same and throw the tissues on the table. He sits back after tossing his tissue on the table and sighs. "We have crossed the line haven't we?" I turn and look up at him.

"I think so…but wasn't it worth it?" Before he can answer, I hear a very low ring. He sit sup and digs through our pile of clothes and finally pulls out his phone.

"Hey Nate…yeah…I'm just with Logan. No just making sure he's doing okay. Yupp Sean's at work." I sit up and reach for my sweats. He looks up at me and mouths, "sorry". I shake my head and pull on my sweats. "No were not doing anything. His back 'ya know." I laugh under my breath and he sighs. "I'll call you when I come home…okay…I love you too. Bye." I heard him set his phone down and I put my shirt back on. "Are you mad at me?"

I laughed and shook my head.

"No Kendall." I watched him stand up and pull on his boxers and jeans. He remained shirtless which was pretty distracting. "Do you have to leave?"

"No…I can stay as long as you'd like me to." I nod.

"Then I think you should go." His mouth dropped slightly and I shrugged my shoulders. "We crossed the line Kendall. You should go back to your family. And I'll stay here and wait for Sean, and we can go on living our lives without each other." He steps forward and I put up my hands. "Isn't that what you wanted three years ago? When you spewed that bullshit about you being the one that got away? Then go!"

"No Logan! I'm here now. I don't want to be without you anymore!" I watch him heave and can hear it in his voice that he means it, and that he's very close to crying. "I made a mistake letting you wak out of my life. Don't you think there's nothing more then fate with us being back together? That our chance meeting is telling us something?" In the moment of seriousness and both of us expressing our love I can't help but laugh. He steps forward his face in complete shock. "Are you laughing?" I nod and close my eyes tossing my head back. "What the hell is you're problem?!"

"Kendall…" I look back at him and shrug my shoulders. "What the hell si wrong with us?" He raises his eyebrows and I step towards him. "Why can't we just stay with each other. Drop the bullshit and just be happy with each other?" He shrugs his shoulders and I step even closer. "That's it Kendall. You're not going anywhere. You are staying with me. I'm not letting you go ever again, and the next time one of us thinks of even letting that happen…I don't know…I'll probably go freaking insane."

"So what? We go and explain to Nathan and Sean were going to be together and they can fuck off if they have a problem with it?" I shrug and raise my hands resting them on his shoulders.

"Why do we have to explain ourselves?" He grabbed my hips and pulled me closer. "Why don't we…pack some shit, get in your car and just leave? Leave town, these lives and find each other with each other. Because the last times we needed to find each other, we broke up. Please…let's not do that again." He sighs out and looks down. What do you say?"

**The End?**

_**We had our whole life scripted  
But we tossed it to the side  
Those words can't tell us nothing  
Come on baby, let's improvise  
Whoa, Do you trust me enough  
If we become two rebels  
Whoa, just like outlaws on the run  
All we have is each other  
Whoa, I will eat, sleep, breathe our love  
If you become a rebel with me**_


	20. Chapter 20

**EPILOGUE**

"Where's the box of my books?" I laugh and look up from the fridge.

"You know you have like three of those boxes right?" I hear a sigh and look back in the fridge. "You know I could use some help cleaning this nasty thing."

"Ask someone who cares." I laugh and continue to scrub the bottom shelf. "Seriously I need one of those boxes. It had my notes in it." I sigh and throw the rag in the fridge and stand up, stretching my arms over my head. I walk out of the small kitchen into the small living room/dining room. There's boxes everywhere and I sigh putting my hands on my hips.

"You know what might help? If you had better hand writing."

"Jealous!" I laugh and start digging through the box closest to me. "Are you looking?"

"In the living room." I hear a thud from down the hall and look up to see him walking out. I bend over and dig deeper in the box feeling books, but searching for paper. One of his hands caresses my back and I sigh. "Not in here." I stand up and put my hands on my hips.

"Well the post office closes at 5…and it's…" He picks up my wrist and sighs at my watch. "4:25."

"Well maybe if someone was a little more organized…" There's a soft punch to my gut and I laugh watching him tearing through the boxes. "And I thought I was the messy one."

"Found them!" He pulls out a stack of envelopes and turns to me beaming. "Ha! You still are the messy one!" I growl at him and he smiles grabbing my hand and dragging me through the house. I grab my jacket, my keys, my wallet, and my own stack of envelopes. He continues to drag me through the house until we get to the door. He lets go, grabbing his own jacket and we step out.

The drive is short. Because this town is so small, everything is practically down the main street. I pull into a empty spot outside the post office and sigh. I look over and see him looking down at his lap. On the very top pile I can see, in his horrible handwriting, Sean's name and addressee. He's like, lost in a trance. He even starts tracing over the s, and then the e and so on. I sigh and grab my own stack. Luckily I didn't close them yet. I have had thoughts of not sending them, especially to Nathan. I pull out the paper and sigh flipping it open.

"You have closed it yet" Before I can start reading I hear Logan and turn to see him staring at me. "Second thoughts?" I smile and look back down. "Can I read it?" I hand him over the note, without hesitation. I hear him clear his throat and the smoothing out of the paper.

I wait only a few minutes before the note is back in my hands. I turn to him and he's smiling. I smile back and stick the note back in the envelope. I quickly seal it, and unbuckle my seatbelt. We step out and I look up.

**New Shoreham Rhode Island Post Office**

I smile and walk up to the door, pulling it open fro Logan. He steps in and smiles warmly at the guy behind the counter.

"Logan! Kendall! How are we doing today?!" I smile at the small chubby man and stand behind Logan, putting a hand in one of his back pockets.

"Pretty excellent Bob. And you're self?" Bob just grins and hands Logan a piece of paper.

"Well the wife is convinced I need to retire." I smile at him and he leans forward. "You learn after 40 years of marriage that when she starts talking, you just nod your head and occasionally agree." I laugh and Logan shakes his head filling out the form. I slowly turn the ring on my left hand and grin like a mad man. "So what have we got today?" I put my notes on the counter and he smiles. "Family?" I nod and take my other hand out of Logan's pocket and stand next to him.

"And friends. We didn't really tell anyone we were leaving. We thought we owed it to them." He nods and pushes his glasses up on his nose.

"No need to explain boys. How many each?" I count through mine and Logan looks up handing the paper back to Bob.

"I've got 4." Bob smiles and nods, picking up the envelopes. He turns to me and I laugh.

"6 for me. I have more friends." I get elbowed in the ribs, and quickly wrap an arm around his shoulder. Bob picks up my envelopes and smiles. He turns his back, walking to the back and I sigh. "Do you think they'll understand?" Logan lays his head on my chest and shrugs.

"It depends. Who are you worried about?" Honestly I was worried about Sam the most. I came into the kids life and promised to take care of him and his dad. And then I just abandoned them, much like Sam's other dad did, and all the guys before me. "It's about Sam isn't it?" I nod and smile, loving that he can read my mind like that. "I think…in time, he'll understand. He's 13. Sooner or later the kid is going to realize how much love there was between you and Nathan and figure out, maybe it was for the best." I turn my head quick and kiss the top of his head.

Bob comes out, another paper in hand and a smile still on his face.

"You boys need to come down to the high school this Saturday. It's the homecoming game. We have a very high chance of winning!" I smile and he hands the paper to Logan who quickly signs his name at the bottom. "It's going to be 12:67 guys." I quickly pull out my wallet before Logan can and he gives me a dirty look. I hand Bob a twenty and smile.

"Keep the change Bob." Bob nods and smiles at us. "Thanks Bob. We'll see you Saturday! Go Wolverines!" Bob laughs and I wrap around Logan's waist as we walk out, waving to him. I put Logan back in the car and walk around to my own side. As I get in, and put my seatbelt on, I notice Logan staring at me. I raise an eyebrow and he laughs. I reach out for his left hand and he puts it in my own hand. I raise it to my mouth and kiss the ring on his finger.

"I'm hungry. Take me out to dinner?" I laugh and nod putting his hand down, and start the car.

**Minnesota**

I quickly open the door to the bar and storm in.

"Carlos?!" He pops up from behind the bar and grins.

"What up bro?" I shake y head and raise the envelopes. "No shit…you got some too." I stop by a stool and sit down. "Kendall and Logan?" I nod and he sighs grabbing two envelopes from his back pocket. "Yeah I got mine this morning. You've got to read this one from Logan. I want to kill that asshole." I laugh and he hands me one. I grab it and quickly pull it open.

"_Dear Carlos,_

_I know…I know the next time I see you, or hear from you, I will get my ass chewed out, but…you have to understand something. All those years you and James tried to tell me, Kendall and I would be together forever, I hated you for it. I couldn't believe my best friends would not get it through their thick skulls that the man I thought I loved, had left me. And all I wanted was to forget about him and move on. But it couldn't happen. You know why? Because you and James aren't just my best friends. You're Kendall's and that means I'm bound to hear about him all the time. So…I guess in a way I should thank you. Without the two of you, constantly telling me to not move on from him, I wouldn't have gotten in his car with him, all of our stuff in the back, and drive until we wanted to stop. I would have stopped loving him. Can you imagine how my life would have been if I didn't love him?_

_I guess I should explain also that I am sorry I left you and the bar. But I have a lot of trust and faith in you. I know you will run this place right. And maybe if I had someone replace me…maybe like James, you would do even better then great. Talk to James. I'm sure he'll have a lot to say to you to._

_I love you Carlos. You're my brown brother, and I will never forget you."_

I looked up and Carlos was leaning against the counter arms crossed.

"So…you want me to work with you?" He smiled and pulled out another piece of paper. He unfolded it and put it on the bar in front of me.

"All I need is your John Hancock and we will be running this bar together. Of course you'll have to handle finances but I don't think that will be too hard." I raise an eyebrow and he sighs grabbing a tablet. "This is why I want to kill him…he didn't have to do this." I watch him pull up a bank account and when he puts it in my face i gasp out. "He transferred all his money…and I mean all of it. Like all the money he was using for med school into our account. We're practically set for the rest of our lives. He's…such a stubborn jackass." I laugh and look up at him.

"So…what about Kendall?" He shrugged his shoulder and set down the tablet.

"He just told me he was sorry for leaving without saying anything and that once they got settled, they wanted us to come see them. He didn't really say much, but that's just typical Kendall." I look down and feel guilt rush all over me. "Let me guess. He wrote you a novel?" I laugh and look up.

"He just said he was happy I never gave up on him. That he was glad that the only person who believed in Kendall and Logan's relationship besides him was me, and he loved em for it. He also told me he wanted us to come out." Carlos nodded and sighed putting his hand son his hips. " And he sent me a picture." I reach in the envelope and pull out the picture I hand it to him and he grins. He shakes his head and hands it back to me. I look down and smile. They're standing next to each other, Kendall with an arm around Logan's shoulders. Logan is smiling, both arms wrapped around Kendall's torso. I flipped the picture over and read the note one more time. "_We did it! We got married! Were in this for the long haul!" _I smile and set the picture down. "He also asked me to look after Nathan. Make sure he's alright." Carlos nodded slowly. "Do you think their nuts, or right?" He shrugs his shoulders and grabs two shot glasses.

"Well…everyone has known those two were made for each other." He pulls out a bottle of tequila and pours some into each shot glass. "I've always known they were nuts, and packing up, and driving out of town, is typical them." I nod and he slides a glass over to me. I take it and sigh raising it up. "How about a toast…to Kendall and Logan." We clink our glasses and he smiles. "The only peel I have ever known who stayed with each other, no matter how hard life was forcing them apart." I smile and he tosses his back. I raise my glass again.

"To Kendall and Logan."


End file.
